seems like

I can't

actually do

anything right


maybe I should

just

stop


trying

ok

i do, still

.

last night's dream

Such an odd dream last night.

When I wake up after a dream- I can usually have a sense of what my dream meant. I can gauge the use of symbols and usually don't even need to look up the dream for clarification. 

It really worries me then,

when the dream is so random

that I cant draw my own conclusions-

no matter how odd they are.

When I literally have no idea what my dream was about.

It unsettles me for the day…

So I'm sitting here with my dream dictionary in hand,

Hoping it will shed some light because

The only conclusion I have drawn-

is that my mind is trying desperately to secape the current situation I am in.

And that frightens me.

…

ok.

That shed no light what so ever.

That frightens me even more.

I dreamt that I was in a resturaunt…maybe a fancy hotel - and I went to the kitchens to ask if there would be a vegetarian option the next day - because I was attending a wedding.

i just walked right to the kitchen door…

a bit brazen - but I can be like that in dreams I guess…

So - the floor manager or someone came to the door - behind him a hive of activity. The kitchen was white - lots of men wearing chefs' uniforms…hats…white head to toe. The man that came to the door was wearing a black suit.

I asked him what was on the menu for the following day. He said roast chicken. I told him I was a vegetarian…

He turned to a chef close to him and told him to put a chicken in olive oil (because the rest of the chickens were marinading in duck oil?)

And I didn't bat and eyelid at that.

I thanked him - for making the allowance…

…

It was so clear…I usually can never remember what was said in dreams. 

But it was very clear - and it was all taken from my point of view. Which is quite strange for me normally. But it's been happening more and more recently.

And the dreams I've been having have all been quite short. Nothing really happens in them.

I just...

This last one is just so random.

And I woke up immediately after it thinking,

"What the fuck - that's not a vegetarian option…"

and then…

"What the actual fuck was that about?"

…

The only explanation is that things in my waking life are far too complex for me to try and work out in my dream life.

My sub conscious is retreating and giving me other things - a break from all the things I think about during the day.

I should be grateful…I guess...

I feel like I'm being erased

Ladies and Gentlemen

Boys and Girls

Welcome to the greatest show on earth…

If you have come here

Then you know what is in store for you…

Caterpiller men

Push-Me-Pull-Yous

Chocolate Rivers

Flying Donkeys

Dogs dressed up as people

And Body modification like you've never seen before….

Ok

Who am I kidding…

You wont find any of that here…maybe on my hard drive…but not on my blog…

Ok…maybe on my blog…

So

The Caterpiller man…

I did a lot of research in first year, when I was looking at Joel Peter Witkin…He's a photographer who, well…ok…he uses fairly non traditional models…anorexics, hermaphrodites…twins…amputees…the dead…giants…dwarfs…everyone and anyone goes basically…

Some of his images reminded me of the old photos you sometimes stumble upon of circuses…back in the day…some of the colours and characters…

Also at the time i was watching a lot of carnival…which also feeds into all of this in a strange way…

I am also just generally interested in deformities…of the body and mind…man made and nature made…It's just an interest i have. Im not going to try and explain or justify it. It just an area that I look at every so often…

So, one of the most interesting stories I came across when doing this research, which was solely for myself, was the Caterpiller man…or Prince Randian "The living torso"

In 1932, Tod Brownings film "Freaks" was released...I have still yet to get my mits on it...but I will find it and I will have it.

I think, looking back on it now...we could say...wow those people were exploited because they were born different, or they had a mental handicap or the women didn't shave...or whatever...but I think that's us projecting our educated and learned views on something that happened so long ago. 

I can't really put it any better then this...

"In a time not that long ago, though, people with extreme physical abnormalities were not only  considered as  "FREAKS" or  MONSTROSITIES"  by society  at large, but they sometimes were ostracized even by their own families.  The sideshow was just about  the single institution that was welcoming of one who was born with, say, four legs or perhaps with  no legs.   The sideshow not only  presented   these social out-casts with a chance to earn a  living, but it also gave them an opportunity to interact with others, and sometimes even find love." 

I know we have come leaps and bounds...but something about that time totally fascinates me...the town in New Jersey that has ONLY albinos living there...Alice and Wonderland Syndrome...BIID...there is some much about the human mind, and body, that we really don't know anything about...we are just barely scratching the surface...

It is so very interesting...

It is that darkness that scares me most of all.
I see flashes of it all the time.
Peak at the possibilities of what could be,
And retreat back to the light.
It threatens so much,
The unraveling of self.
A ball of string once sent rolling down a hill,
Rarely stops,
Until it is unwound.

I do worry about that darker side.

It concerns me.

heart

"every human being is a collection of selves"

this could not be more true

and i could not feel it more deeply then i do now…

i feel that within me there is such a multitude of me's that often times, i don't know, which one is talking, or in control…or making the decisions…or planning what is going to happen next.

I think that most of the time…no…actually…it is my firm belief that no matter how well you think you know someone, unless you are physically inside their head, which is impossible…you cannot possibly really know them…

everyone has the capacity to lie, to mask, to hide…to show what they want to show…depending on who they are showing it to.

are we a different version of ourselves for different people?

it that a nice way of saying that every human being is fake

or is it subjective to the relationships that we foster with these other people, how we interact with them…

i act differently when im at home…i act differently when im at home and we have company…i talk differently to my mother then my father…my brother and my best friend…

am i  the only the one that feels this way…

are we ever our true selves…

can anyone say that they are totally themselves with everyone they know…

i don't think thats actually possible.

i think humans are too complex for that…

we cultivate relationships and become a slightly different person in accordance to how that relationship affects our fundamental self..

maybe our true self grows into that relationship, eventually…when we realize that it is in fact safe…

i know it took me a really long time to be myself around keelin and elaine…there are still corners of myself that they have not yet lit up…and they will be kept in darkness until the day that they go looking for the switch…

i don't know what it is…its always been something ive thought about. who are we

who am i

how am i different depending on who i am around

mum used to say it all the time when we first started mixing with kids when we moved here…she…yeh…it was something she noticed…

i would love to be my complete self…

but i don't think ive even been myself, with myself yet…

id like to get to know her…

i hope i meet her soon.