are you actually serious, or are you kidding me
or have you lost your mind completely?

IT DOESNT WORK THAT WAY

and i don't care how much time goes by, that will never ever happen.
not while i am breathing anyway

please, for christ's sake try to understand
because i do not want to keep having this discussion

i am who i am

and i cant change THAT part of who i am

your going to have to get used to it sooner or later

i thought you had

i thought we had made progress...

evidently not..

:shakes head:

......

landing in dublin...or something like that...

so yes, everything was going fine…i had my music turned on full whack to block out all the commotion that was going on around me…what happened to different classes in airplanes…? there should be different sections depending on how much noise you are going to make…babies and young kids in one section…teenagers in another…drunk men, or just men in general, in another…and then people who know how to behave in another…seems about right.

i dozed a little but not much, because i was taking so many pictures…

where ever we were flying over, the mountains were so high that they were level with the plane, above the clouds, it was amazing…ive never seen anything like it before…

so yes…just before i could see ground, the second in comand, pilot person,came on the intercom and said…now we're just cruising at 30,000 feet…etc, going 800 something kilometers an hour, etc…we're just making our decent into dublin airport, where the temp on the ground is 12 degrees, and theres strong winds…blah blah…

nothing really new or exciting there…

anyways…started coming down…could see dublin, quite clearly…don't know if ive ever flown into dublin before. it was quite pretty really…

anyway…yes…so as we were coming down, the plane started wobbling, and rocking side to side and up and down…like…you know when you go over a hump in a car quite fast, and your stomach literally lifts inside you for a second…

yeh, thats what it was like, only ALOT…

side to side, rocking…like, it felt like there were cross winds, like when your driving and the car is being pulled…so like, he would over compensate for the plane pulling, then the plane would go too much in the other direction, or thats what it felt like anyway…

it was very scary…alex went a shade of green and then white, that i didn't think someone could turn, without immediately getting sick…i held her hand very tight and just thought… 'jesus…this mite be the end…fuck its going to hurt a lot'

alex told me that she thought of every good and bad thing she's ever done, and then thought of all the people she was going to miss'

id like to think that i was trying to remain positive, and that im not a robot…

so i was squeezing her hand and looking at her, because i just couldn't look out the window after awhile, it was upsetting me too much, to see everything going the way it was…people were hyperventilating…the stag party was instantly sobered up…there were people laughing, but i think it was nervous laughter…

then, just when the wheels should have touched down, the plane sped up and we shot straight back up into the air again…i think thats when i really really knew that there was something desperately wrong, and i stopped being brave...

yes, so back up...i looked back out the window to see that we were in fact climbing...alex looked like she was going to cry and throw up simultaneously...so i squeezed her hand harder...

once we were level, in the air again the second pilot came on the intercom again

"um...as you may have realized, we missed out landing there...the winds have evidently picked up in dublin, so were just going to circle around and come at it from a different angle..."

so then i thought...yeh...well were alive for now, the pilot did well to pull up when he did, or we would have either crashed touching down, or slammed into the new terminal..that would have been pretty shit...but what if its still too windy and we have to be diverted to shannon...will we have enough fuel...and even if we do have enough fuel, poor mum will have to drive all the way to shannon then...provided we don't crash in the meantime...etc etc...but mostly "YEH, WERE ALIVE...for now...hope to christ we stay this way..."

Al wasn't making any noise, she just looked like she was on the verge of a panic attack...

so i held her hand some more and told her it would all be ok...secretly freaking out in my own head...

After about 5mins back in the air, we started coming back down again...and eventhough it was still dodgy, we touched down fine...thank allah, buddah, jesus, ghandi, krishna, the man in the moon, god, mother nature and whoever else hand their hand under that plane, because, i really, genuinely thought we were goners...and the fact that alex thought the same, proves that im not exaggerating...

we were ten minutes late...as soon as the plane stopped moving, everyone shot up and it was the quickest ive ever gotten out of an aircraft, considering we were right over the wings...everyone just shot out of it...and yes...it was windy as FUCK...so im surprised we landed at all...

we just made a bee line for the exit signs...only having carry ons, thankfully...mum was a little late, because she had to find a parking space...etc etc...so i was trying to ring her with no avail...but she bumped into us as we were coming out of the toilet and she was going in...

then, because she was there, she wanted a starbucks...which they have upstairs...so we did that, and alex wanted a cheese burger...so we did that and me and mum got twisty fries ^_^

after that, we searched for the car...and thankfully mum wrote down the section and number of her spot, or we would have been looking a long long time...

but we found  it eventually...threw the bags in...threw ourselves in:)

made our way OUT of dublin airport...and then put the foot down to get OUT of dublin altogether...effing hate that place...nothing ever goes right when im in it...the only times i think i genuinely enjoyed being in dublin were for fie's secret skins like parties...so...

got on the m50...went through the invisible toll...got on the n4 or whatever the road home is called...

went through that toll...

then just before mullingar...in the inside lane...me and mum were talking, alex was lying down in the back trying to snooze...the engine of the car cut...all the lights on the dash turned off...everything just turned off...mum put on her hazards and indicated to go to the hard shoulder, and thank fuck the steering wheel didn't lock or we would have be doubly screwed...pulled in, turned everything off, except the hazards...and the speed of the cars passing shook the car with such force...i am so glad we got pulled in and weren't left sitting in the middle of the road or we would have been mince meat...:(

tried turning the car back on...all the warning lights were coming on...every single one of them...mum rang dad...and after about half an hour of us sitting there, and mum trying it again and again, every couple of minutes...it eventually started

we took her fairly handy all the way home then...thinking it mite just decide to DIE again...but it was all gravy.

longest drive home ever tho...

i thought we would never get there because me and mum were just stress heads in the car, hoping that we wouldn't get stranded...while al conked out in the back... :) poor thing :(

we nearly got wiped off the map as well...because we were meeting this very long, lite up lorry on a tiny narrow road, don't ask me where...and he was carrying this massive like...digger thing...but it was way too wide for his flat bed...so if mum hadn't moved over, even though it was purr luck that she did, because it wasn't lit up, there was no like reflectors along the side or flags or anything...the side/top of our car would have been opened like a cheap can of sardines...and that would have been the end of mother...i nearly had heart failure when the truck passed us out...thankfully alex was asleep...she would have actually died if she had seen it...

we also nearly squished a rabbit...but he moved just in the nick of time...

dropped off alex at hers, cuz she wanted to see her mummy and daddy...she was all sleepy and stuff...when we were pulling up, i think it was her dad or possible andy, went to the window to spy on who was in their driveway...

then me and mum went home...

dad was there waiting for us...i filled him in on all my near death experiences...and about austria as well...then he and mum went off to bed, and i went online for awhile and skyped the boy for a bit, which was nice. its nice being about to see and talk to him at the same time...im sure its nice for him too :)

and then, i literally crashed, because i was so wrecked, i just couldn't stay awake anymore...

The trek up...

Man, was never designed to fly
If we were, im sure we would have evolved to have feathers, or wings by now...
Or jets, that are fueled from our food intake...or something to that extent
But no
We have feet and legs for a reason.
WE ARE MEANT TO STAY ON THE GROUND

Today, was slightly, completely and totally stressful in varying degrees of stress.
It wasn't as bad as dragging several suitcases to Heathrow airport in the evening and sleeping on the floor over night...and it wasn't as bad as doing ANYTHING in France...but I will admit, i was slightly panicky.

It started this morning, when alex had to go to her college to print off her ticket, and check in...
I stayed back at her apartment, because she had to cycle there, and would have to cycle back anyway. But when she didn't come back for ages, i got a little, a lot worried...thinking that we were going to miss our train...and everything getting messed up.
But that was all ok, because while she was out she went to the train station and got our tickets...so that saved us time. We left the apartment and went to 'the cafe' and had a lovely breakfast with Chelsea :)
Then walked down to the train station...no bother.
Got the train to Lindou, no problem...everything was fine, made it there in time for our connecting train...grand

It was this connecting train where the trouble started. It was just. going. so. slow...
And yeh, sure, i got a good aul look at the scenery passing the window at a snail's pace, but inside i was freaking out because i new that if we didn't get to the next train station by a certain time, we mite be forking out a small fortune for a taxi to bring us the rest of the way...
We eventually got to the station where we needed to pick up our next connecting train, 15 minutes AFTER our train had left...not to worry...there was another one in half an hour...alex went to go make sure, absolute sure...
while she was away, the boards all changed AS A TRAIN WAS PULLING INTO THE STATION ... Memmingham, the boards all said...in a panic, thinking the approaching train was ours, i ran to the top of the stairs where alex had disappeared, and started calling her...much to the horror of a 10-12 year old boy who was climbing the stairs...
Of course this was not the train that we needed...but as i have NO shame...i just went down the stairs to find her...
Eventually, the train arrived, but as neither of us know enough german to understand an old man on an intercom saying
"this train spits into three...the first bit is to memmingham...the second to blah and the third to blah blah...make sure you get on the right bit or your screwed"...there was a tad bit of panic there as well...but once again...it was fine....we got on the right bit, only cuz we followed Germans who were just as confused as we were :)
That train journey was short enough and grand...but when we got to memmingham, eventhough all alex wanted was a subway...it wasn't going to happen...because we literally had 5 minutes to grab the bus to the airport..and fleck knows where the nearest subway was...
So, hopped on the bus...sat back and waited...the airport, which is about 4kilometers outside of the town...is ever so slightly bigger then knock airport...oh, so slightly...
For some reason i beeped going though the security bit...cant figure out why...the wired in my bra maybe...but yeh...they really searched me, quite throughly...with her little bleeping paddle and hand sweeps...even my converse beeped...which i don't understand...they've never done that before...but she was happy enough to let me through, so that was ok...
My bag wouldn't fit easily into the Ryan air thingy...so i went into the bathroom and piled on a load of clothes...because i just didn't want to have to pay any extra...and i didn't want any hassle...
So, dressed in basically 4 complete outfits...winter coat, snood and new arm/leg warmers...i must have looked like the abominable snowman...and waiting in the que...with THAT many layers...i was seeing little yellow canaries circling my head...
Once on the plane i basically stripped everything off, because i would have died if i had to sit in that many clothes for two hours...me and al got 3 seats to ourselves...i got window, and she got aisle...and one in the middle...I love the window seat...i love looking outside and taking pictures and just...looking...

Take off was smooth...there was what i was assuming, a stag party sitting across the aisle from us...they had brought on their own little clear plastic bottles of vodka...gin...rum...and whatever else...and they were taking shots and passing them around amongst themselves...
there was a pile of kids...well...like 15..16..17 year olds sitting behind us, and making noise...moving around...standing in the asiles in the way of the hostesses...taking pictures of each other and everyone else...and just being unnecessarily rude and loud and obnoxious...
so...on went the headphones...as alex tried to sleep...and out came my camera so i could take pictures of the mountains and clouds and all the pretty ness...

lindaou adventure :)

today was really good :)
al slept in til about 12, i think she needed it though...she loves her sleep anyway...
then we got ready and headed to the train station which is at the other end of town and got a day ticket to Lindaou and Bregenz...prolie spelling both of those wrong...they are both on Lake Constance, which looks like the ocean...only Bregenz is in Austria, and Lindaou is in Germany, so we went there first, because they didnt have a national holiday, which meant that things were open.
Got the train, prolie took all of 20 mins to get there...its great because you get this amazing view of everything...the mountains, all snow covered and lovely...the fields, with its bell wearing cows...buildings...people...people are outside alot here...there are so many walkways and paths and little pedestrian roads...they all love walking, cycling and walking their dogs...its really sweet.
so i was in my element on the train, just looking out the window the entire time...

Lindaou is sort of like a peninsula...it juts out into the lake,so its the last stop on the train, which is handy. Of course coming into the train station, what do i spot first, outside, only this amazingly different coloured wooden shingled roof...ontop of this tower... 'alex we have to go over there...'
we got food first, because we were both half starved, and then she took me on a walk, over to the amazing building, which had a lovely fluffy calico cat sitting at the foot of it...of course i have photo evidence but that will have to wait for awhile im afraid :(
Walking behind the building, you are elevated from the busy road below, and this tiny walk way opens up. i saw the dinkiest little houses...with hanging metal hearts in the windows, and what appeared to be handmade curtains...and climbing ivy...so quaint
then this passageway opened up to a courtyard which you had to decend via slippery, autume coloured fallen leaf steps...'now, dont look up...'
so i didnt, and once we got to the cobbled stones below al said...'right, look up now and see if you can spot the surprise'
so i looked up at the amazing buildings, and the ivy and everything...there was a fountain thing there with the characters from the wizard of oz, minus dorothy, ...and in one of the highest windows of one of the buildings, a metal, realistic figure of a crow...
'a crow?' and i point...
'jesus...i didnt even see that the first time...but no...look again'
so i look and survey and spin around...and there it is, a while cat, up above where we had just come from...a lovely statue of a white cat...

Lindaou was full of little surprises like that...there was a shop and all it sold was cat and owl things...aprons, tea cozys, figuriens, statues, ornaments, mugs...i was overwhelmed...totally...
alot of the buildings here have things painted on the outside, which i think is pretty lovely...and the trees are so straight here, i can hardly believe it...
after getting a coffee that i had to throw away, it was THAT bad, we walked out to the pier, which had a massive statue of a lion, about half the size of the lighthouse, at the end of it...and amazing views of the snow covered mountains, as the sun was setting. it is so rediculously beautiful here. it really would take your breath away.
Me and al had alot of fun today. We both got on so well...which is a giant relief.
Were back at the house now, hanging out with chelsea, who is so funny, she has me in stitches...shes coming over to ireland after halloween, which should be fun

tomorro...have to print off al's plane tickets, have to buy our train tickets...have to exchange a top i bought for a different size...and anything else that happens is a bonus.

its nice hanging out with alex. i missed hanging out with her :)

im up before alex again...sleeping top to tail,even in a single bed, is pretty intense for a week :)
so im letting her sleep for awhile more.
it has FINALLY stopped raining
but its a national holiday, which means everything is closed :(

we went to this big shopping centre...bout 30mins walk away yesterday
and i got
the
most
amazing
coat
ever
made
ever
!

ive been on the lookout for a lovely winter coat for a couple years now, and ive finally found it
its pale grey, comes down to the middle of my shin, fitted on top and a-line the rest of the way...it has a MASSIVE hood, that totally covers my face, A.M.A.Z.I.N.G.
i look like a wizard ^_^
it makes me very happy
and there is no way i would have ever seen anything even close to as nice at home, and i would have regretted not buying it, forever...so yes...thats my coat story

not sure what were going to do today
we talked alot yesterday
my head hurts and id like some breakfast and coffee...
should have bought some yesterday

chelsea is back from prague, so i hope we hang out with her today, shes funny
think were going to watch movies later maybe, that should be nice

so far this has been a very relaxed and calm holiday...everything is lovely to look at, and yeh...people are friendly, which is good:)

not fancying the treck home...itl be a long long one :(

x

still raining...doughnuts are calling

so...the irish weather followed me over
i rained all day yesterday and looks set on doing the same today.

me and al just satyed in for the most part yesterday. theres nothing to do on a sunday. the shops dont open...its actually illegal...pubs dont open til late in the evening...and...yeh...nothing to do
so we sat in her room watching season 3 of skins, which ive not seen yet, so that was good :)
then when the rain sort of cleared up a little bit, we went for a walk...thats what the austrians do...they go walking. theres this pathway that runs next to the river, miles of it. so we walked along that, with a cheerful sunflower orange unberella. we came across a playground and hung out there for a few minutes, before heading back...and watching inbetweeners.
i hope today is a little better. not that there was anything wrong with yesterday. its just...id like to get out of the room for a little while
but its raining again today...:(
were meant to be going out for a few tonight, so thatl be nice, to meet her friends...theyve all been in prague for the weekend...so it should be fun:)
al is still asleep...
ill wake her in awhile
so we can go...somewhere...

Im sorry

That's all that i can say

And i know it will never be enough

But for now, those words mean the most that they can

I dont have any control over this

It is not conscious, its as if im not even in my body anymore

im am not well

and while i am like this, im no good for anyone, or anything

i hope one day you will forgive me

and we can look at each other an know that eventhough it hurts so much right now, in this moment

that it was for the best.

i know that it is

its the only thing i am absolutely sure of, anymore

<3

dream

i had a dream that i walked over to janes last night...
and reilly was with me, which never would actually happen.
aidan came out from that little slip road up to the big hill with towser...
and then suddenly there were lots and lots of dogs...mostly greyhounds and whippets...but some others as well.
then cars started pulling up, with distant relations of janes...they had come over for a wedding or something and wanted to take candid photos in the country with cows...and farmers...etc
reilly disappeared, prolie not much inpressed with the carry on...and i resigned myself to not look for him until the sleus of people had dissappated...i went to janes for some tea, but the wedding party was all there...and janes house was more of an old stlye country cafe then the house i know it as. I sat for moments while she busied herself in my general area while distant...and i mean distant...relations asked her daft questions which i cant remember now.
the reilly was there...in the cafe/house...and in my relief i shot up and left...outside the comotion was no more...but there was a house next to janes, which actually isnt there...a really old old one...very oldie. And there were all these mangled dirty rotten looking cats sitting on the roof...in the gutters...standing in the garden...is this starting to sound familiar...?
So as me and reilly walked on, these two kittens...a black one and a mottly sort of ginger one started following us...i cant tell if they were supposed to represent squeek and suzie in the dream, but i dont think they were...or at least i hope they werent...
because every time the black one meowed longingly for me to pick up its dirty skinny body, its mouth opened and looked like it was one of those horrible deep sea fish...you know the ones with the razor sharp teeth...
ugh
nasty
and very scary in the dream

i hope that these cat dreams arent coming back to torture me on a nightly basis
if thats the case, i look forward to being an insomniac again

x

4 . 10. 16

listen

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood.
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair
And having perhaps the better clain,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.


-Robert Frost

deer heart

I was born on the coldest day of the year...and I was the only baby girl born...that week I think.
And so, I love the cold. And Austria is just the right type of cold.
Its the type of cold the creeps in through the layers of lovely grey clothes your wearing and chills your neck...
The kind of cold that catches hold of your breath and colours it in white.
Alex shivered and huddled all the way back to her apartment block...but I just embraced it
I love when the tip of my nose gets so cold that when i scrunch it up, it just stays there for a split second...
I heart the cold.

I feel like im on a different planet, never mind a different country...
When we were coming in to land I looked out the window, and their fields are so different to ours...they come in all different colours...shades of greena and gold...and iodine...if you can believe that. But there are all perfectly measured...Long lengths that look like 'tooties'...those chewy sweets that are supposed to look like pasta...you get them in cinemas...etc...
The Rusty, orange roofs on all the buildings...small and large, covered in solar panels...every available inch on one side of the roofs...chock full....and there are fields that are just solar panels too...glistening in the sun.
The forestry, which is more then likely managed, i would hazard a guess...fits in with the landscape, so that it looks like it was always there...and the land, which was neither flat, or mountainous in Memmingham, where i landed...just sort of gently rolling...like waves. The forests collect in the lows, and cluster at the crests...And they're mixed...so they look more natureal. Evergreen and decidious, rubbing shoulders with each other...

There was an american couple sitting next to me on the plane, a little older then me, i think. They were very obviously in love. Her hand was running through his hair, while he kissed her unoccupied hand and leaning in to her...Then when we took off, they curled up together, like two contented cats, and fell asleep...I dozed off a few times, but woke every time there was a major change in my music, which was about every 3 minutes...because it was set on shuffle...
There was also a croud of between 15-18 year olds...im guessing...who were up the top, singing man unt songs...ooggie ooggie oggie...and lets go fucking mental....im thinking there may be a match on...or they are just retards...and have no respect for the other passengers...who consisted of all ages, the youngiest, a little tot, prolie 9mths old...who wasnt impressed with anything happenning...



When i woke up this morning, i had no recollection of what i was doing, where i was, or where i was meant to be going at half 5 in the morning...sleep deprivation is certainly taking its toll on my grey matter...the walk from bronwyn's house to the bus station, had my nerves racked...galway scares, and yet facinates me...there was more broken glass on the foot path, then i think ive ever seen in the place...and i could see the stars...which made me smile:) delivery trucks and people...a few people walking hurridly places...and two winos in eyre square argueing...or maybe they were left overs from the pub...but i crossed the street to avoid them anyway...
Dublin airport confused me, as i thought it would. i...yeah...i think they changed the gate...but it didnt matter, i obviously got there in the end. I dont get as stressed when im traveling on my own...so it was fine really

But a purple snack bar and a handful of crackers wasnt going to keep the wolves from the door for long, so when we got to lindaou, me and al hopped off the train and ran to mc donals...because there was nothing open, and she had no food at home...they have veggie burgers over here...amazing...very surprised by that...
and it wasnt bad...
i never EVER eat that stuff...so when i do, my stomach makes me totally aware of what has just happened...but i think ill be ok. i think my body was so in need of any type of food that it was happy...

also....in the train ticket place...this guy seriously held the que up for about 30 mins...not exaggerating...becasue he was buy UP THE SHOP....i thought i was going to kills him...
but o so polite...

yes yes...so far so good..
met chelsea, alexs best friend here...shes lovely...think i mite stick her into the suitcase and bring her home, just to make me laugh. shes really funny...i was lolling, alot...
and scot...i think ill get on with him


me and al are going to a bakery in the morning, to get nibbles...and then i dont know

but, ill let you know, when i do

x

words...

Echo

i have always had a soft spot for that word

i have strange relationships with words

in that

i associate them with things, like i associate colours with things, and certain songs with people and places and events

i will forever associate the colour red with math, because i used to put red covers on my math books…because i hate red…and hate math.

it made sense in my head…

i understand colours faster then i understand words…

but the word echo…i just love it so much. i love the sound of it and what in conjures up, the pictures it makes in my mind. it amazes me, what one little combination of 4 letters can paint inside me.

the horse riding place me and chris used to go to celebrate my birthdays in america was called echo lake…

echo…suggests repetition to me…memories skipping down through time…

rememberences…

echo…

even saying it aloud, nearly does the trick…you nearly echo if you say it slowly enough…

it is a sad word i think. it sounds empty…like, emptiness…hollow…endless space…

a place that would make an echo.

vast barren landscapes…cold mountains

but nevertheless…i still like the word

i like the word pillow too

i like the way, if you say it over and over enough, it starts to lose its meaning…

it just becomes a sound…a meaningless sound…

oh jesus…

i need to get out of my head 

:)

don't know what happened...i got lost on the internet...
guess i should go to sleep now...
hmm...
oh well
i can sleep when im dead
:)

Dove Grey Day

i got some lovely grey things today.

Me and mum went over to ballina, because we were out of the house anyway…and i was commenting on how i mite just get a bus up to galway tomorrow so i can go around the shops and get things like grey…things…

so she was like…feck that, ill just bring you over to ballina now…which is about 30mins away…we travel that to do our food shopping, so it wasn't that big a deal…and its not like we were doing anything else anyway…

so penny's in Ballina is really nice. its really big…everything is hung up…it doesn't live on the floor…like it does in castlebar and galway for the most part. and they seem to have nice things there, in general…more wearable things…

i picked up a really nice fitted grey lace top…that is all lace, for wearing under things…it has three quarter length sleeves, my favorite, and its a really nice cut…it has a slightly lower back then front…which just makes it that bit different…

So i can wear that under the million sleeveless dresses i seem to have…don't know how i keep accumulating them…seeing as i always have to wear something with sleeves either over or under them…because no one sees my arms. ever.

and i picked up a lite dusty purple, an intense blue, and a slate grey long sleeved top…for the same purpose…and i lite grey top that has ribbing…well thats what i would call it anyway…im sure there is some technical textiles term that i should know but i don't….

And two pairs of grey leggings…which i swore i would never buy…but when you go through as many tights as i do…and winter is coming in…leggings seemed a pretty sensible option…at least im just wearing them as tights…which means they will always be covered…unlike the imbeciles that wear them as pants….:shudders:

and…yeh…that was all really…lots of nice grey things tho

i love grey at this time of year in particular. because there is so much grey everywhere when winter is rolling in, i think, for me…personally…i feel better if i dress with the seasons. now, obviously that doesn't always happen…but it helps my mood if i at least try…

So im looking for a lgd…little grey dress…i would be made up if i found one. Failing that, ill just dye the floating dusty pink one i have, grey, for halloween…

im thinking of dressing as 'grey' for halloween…i don't know if thats very creative or very lazy…but i cant think of anything else id rather be then just various shades of grey…

Grey isn't nothingness…lots of things are grey…lots of lovely things

Baby swans are grey…doves, and Russian Blue cats are grey…

Clouds filled with lite rain are grey…fog hugging the banks of rivers are grey…and mist is grey...

The ocean can be grey from time to time

The connemara mountains in winter, and the burren is grey…all the time

Ciggerette smoke is grey…water colour water can turn grey after a few dirty paint brushes have been thrown in…Found feathers…turf smoke from a little cottage chimney…Newspapers are grey…Lanterns….

Grey can be warm, and cold

its like liquid velvet…

purple and yellow makes the most scrumptious greys… 

So im thinking for halloween, ill dress in grey…lots of grey…different shades and textures and layers of grey over grey…

i think itl be really lovely and dreamy…

and ill prolie do my face so i look dead, but that is neither here nor there…

and put flowers in my hair and say that im ophelia from hamlet…and thats 'who' ill be…but really, im just going as grey :)

i went looking for hair dye in town but they didn't have the colour i like, so ill have to wait till i get back from austria…my hair is really doing my head in at the moment (excuse the pun) i think its getting too long…but im really scared of getting it cut…ive never gotten it cut here, since i moved, and been happy with what they've done to me…im more scared of the hairdresser then the dentist…really…not even joking…

but i have to do something with it, seriously…its turning into a bob…and no…im not having that, no thanks…i know that that does not suit me…

but that will have to wait till i get back now as well…that way if its really crap, itl have grown out by christmas, or at least the new year…cant believe 2010 is nearly gone already…where the hell did that year go to? mental…

i have to pack…im so bad at leaving things to the last minute…seriously…totally hopeless…traveling really, unsettles me…it scares me senseless…the first time i traveled on my own was when i was 16, flying back from the states, after a month visiting friends, on my own…brave little shit that i was…and i took trains and planes all on my own when i was over there…don't know if i would be able to do that now…granted, the friends that i was staying with brought me to said airport or train station and sent me on my way as i was visiting them…virginia, boston, new jersey, then back to virginia…but still…sitting on the train from boston to new jersey took a lot of guts i think…a lot more then what i actually had at the time…

and ive been to france on my own since then…and me and al and the boy went to london last summer, and managed to get around everywhere and get back in one piece…and me and the girls managed the same feat this summer…me and al went to paris…but that was in a big group…but we kinda kept to ourselves that week…so…

really i shouldn't be so nervous. i should be ok. im getting the bus from galway thursday. straight to the airport. and then i just have to find my gate, which wont be rocket science…like it was when i was flying back from visiting bon bon…that had me nearly sectioned…and then all i have to do when i land is wait for alex to pick me up…hopefully the airport will have wi fi…so i can see what my ipod can do…thatl kill the hour or so that im there…

but yes…

when im traveling, i generally don't think about it until it is right on top of me…or i just stress myself out,

i know that i will be fine, so theres no point worrying…the only problem is that because i don't think about it…i don't pack…until the last second…

but all my clothes are washed, just a matter of chucking them into a bag…

sort of looking forward to galway tomorrow…

id l.o.v.e. to go to javas and pick up a banana/coffee heavenly drink…that would sort of make my day:) also, mister genie/santa/jesus/alla/buddah/mother nature…if i could possibly get out to salthill for like, seriously, 5minutes…i would be so grateful, you have no idea…instant cure all…i need it so so badly right now this minute

i cant actually barely breathe anymore.

i need it

Thanks ^_^

open the...vent...

oh for fucks sake…

i am actually fed fucking up with everything right at this moment in time

everything is fucking me off beyond what it normally does

got a letter from the college today about graduation. 30 fucking quid to rent the poxy cap and gown for the day…ugh…excellent. I get to look like a twat for a couple of hours again…more of a twat then i usually look….

Not only that…but a survey came basically asking if ive found employment since leaving college…

Give me a fucking break

then in the section you go to after you've said…no, i haven't…i fail at life…

it asks questions like 'how were the working hours in your course' 'did you get enough feed back' 'were you happy'….

my head is pounding and im going to explode…that is how effed off i am

i cannot even, at this stage, sit down and begin to compose a letter to the head of humanities/head of the college about my time there…and this little shitty survey is asking me to do it in one fucking line…id need to write a novel…

i. am. so. angry. 

why am i so angry…?

5 years…

thats how long ive been in 'art related' education…

and what the fuck do i have to show for it…two sheets of paper that mean jack shit all to me…grades that never changed…absolutely no fucking skills worth talking about…that college should be shut down…actually…no, it shouldn't …

just the textiles department.

it is a total shambles…a complete joke…a crying shame…and a waste of fucking time.

the only thing i got out of it was a small handful of really good friends…thank christ…because without them, i would have dropped out in second year.

fucking stupid fucking letter fucking me off…

i am really not looking forward to the graduation. can you tell? can you??

i shouldn't feel this way. college is supposed to be one of those life affirming experiences…your supposed to have the time of your life…try new things…mix with loads of people…have fun…enjoy yourself…

what did we do

fuck loads of work…thankless work…and got abuse…tortured mentally…

breathe

so fucking angry now…

i really am

actually rageing

BUT THERES NO ANGRY MUSIC ON MY ITUNES YET……..AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH 

for fucks sake….i need to go for a walk like…right now…

wonder how long it would take for me to walk to the sea

i need the ocean right now, this minute…it really is the only thing that can snap me out of this fucking bitch of a mood im in…but fat chance me seeing it before tomorrow…

going to galway and staying with be…maybe shed like to go out to salthill for an hour…i need the air to clear my head…and push against my chest…and fill me with oxygen…and lift me…and run through my hair…and make me feel solid…and strong again…

and need the sound of the ocean to drown out all other noise…internal and external…

i need it like i need to keep breathing

i miss the ocean…

i miss her so much...

I want to rewind slightly and pause forever

I am such a nerd, but so excited

I don't even know what to say ...
I havent smiled like this in a v long time
But, just randomly checked this blog, and scrolled down the page to see another comment added on to the post about taking the show down at westport...
And read it, and found someone who I don't know!
Yeah, there is someone else out there that reads this! I am made up with myself, completely!

So, further investigation led me to her blog here, where she's actually written about mine...
A.M.A.Z.I.N.G.
I cannot even get my head around how some one so far away would happen across my little plot of land, but I am so comforted to know that there is at least one other person out there, that reads what is found here....and i don't even know why that matters, but it does to me:)

Her blog is really funny, but i don't know if she means it to be, but it is anyway:)
So yes, that was a super nice treat to come home to, after this slighty crappy day...

Weddings+bending over+time constraints+hunger+thirst+stress+stupid people+rain+etc = Quite an unhappy shelly...

But that comment and subsequent comments, and mention on her own blog just took the eraser and wiped out all the shiznit from today :)

Thank you thank you

x

i hope you change your mind, and other adventures of the day

I had an...interesting day...I think...
I didnt wake up til...10 ish...which is really unusual for me...but i didnt go to sleep til late...so im letting that one slide...
Then after a bit of foostering around, picking out what i would wear for the day, if was more lunch time, then breakfast, so i got that over and done with ...then i settled down to making the 3rd of a series...who knows how long the series will be, of doll faced broaches for Jane's market stall:) you can see them over on shelly secret space...so i got 'moonchild, i hope you change your mind' done in a couple of hours...they are quite labour intensive...if im totally honest. that coiling malarkey is not a walk in the park. but i love making them, and watch them come to life...so i was really happy with her. she took alot of thinking. i was going to leave her without hair, cuz she looked very like the moon...then mum was like...maybe you should add some hair...etc...so she was a bit of work. but i love her. i think shes really lovely now. chuffed with her actually :)
Then, when i was finished with her, the time really got away from me...I sat in the kitchen with dad and shot the breeze. Hes starting to get over his dose which is good...thankfully, i hate seeing him miserable. We were just talking about the leaves, falling now...family things...etc...it was nice. He likes the new broach:) he said 'theres alot of work in that'...im glad he can see that, that makes me happy :)
so then...i was on the internet for a little while...what else...oh, mum made curry...please, do me a favour and kill me now...pretty sure, that that is me and curry finished...for at least a year...
Then, it was about 8 or so and i got a slightly panicked phone call from al's mum...shell, are you doing anything, can you help me please?
So i trotted off to down, well i got picked up, thankfully...and spent a couple hours helping her out:) which was nice. And im doing more in the morning for her, so im staying the night in their house...which ive never done without al being here...itl be really strange. im just hopeing once my head hits the pillow, i just black out...thats normally what happens :) And i am nackered...so i dont think itl be a problem:)

I am going to hopefully, totally detox tomorro...my body does not feel one bit pleased with me at the moment.
But for now...i think the bed is calling me
Sleep time, have to be up in 6 hours :(

xxx

everything is so delicate right now

im afraid to breathe

....

Down day

Today, me and Jane went over to westport to take down our pieces in the show 'Invited' in the Hastings garage, as part of the Westport Arts Festival...
Of course, as always, i had big notions, and set my alarm for half 6, thinking i would do all my bits in the morning and leisurely walk over to Janes for 9o'clock....but my bed just would not let me go...so i hit snooze until about 10 to 8...oops...and so i didn't get to Janes until 20 past 9...but that turned out to be time enough...

Taking down art work, isn't always the same. For my end of year show in GMIT...it took fecking ages to hang the thing...blood, sweat and literally TEARS were spilled into it, and not just mine...everyone helped everyone, a real group effort...
But i think, because i was there for the week, minding it, meeting the public, taking enquiries etc...i was so delighted to take it all down and stick it into the back of the car...im surprised i didn't just throw it all out of that top story window and let it fall to the ground...and it took about a minute to take down...a week to put up...funny that...
But for Hope there was a TOTALLY different feeling to it for me. I walked over and looked into the window box, and saw all these note...one of which, my favorite, im using as my header...
I got SO many more then I was expecting...and as i read them...well...this has never actually happened to me before, but i got really emotional. my own work, usually, doesn't move me. At all...
But, just the act of making a mark, whatever mark that it, whether it is a drawing, a foot print, a line of handwriting, a tattoo...we leave traces of ourselves everywhere we go...pieces of ourselves...artifacts for others to discover and learn something about us, in them.
I think it is so important for us, as humans, to do that. we want to be understood...we want people to understand who we are, and how we see the world, and what it means to us, what we feel, what we love and dislike...we want and want...we yearn for this...cave paintings...stone carvings...we have been leaving traces since the beginning of us...
That must mean something.

So, like with everything, you get the people who take you seriously, and the ones that don't...the ones that want to be taken seriously and the ones that don't...but even that in itself is quite interesting...why do some people feel the need to take the piss...is it a safety mechanism...?
So ill put up a selection over on http://shelkybean.blogspot.com for all to see...

Then, when that was finished, me and jane went for lunch, in the hotel, because none of the cafes are open on a monday in westport...i guess people don't eat on a monday...which we both thought very odd indeed...I got cream of vegetable soup, which was really nice, and jane got cod gougeons in a breadcrumb/coconut batter thing...sounds odd, but it actually l*o*v*e*l*y...defo worth looking into making...you would never think to have coconut with fish, but it definitely works a treat...then off to this lovely bookstore, beside the gallery that jimmy lawlor is in...cant remember the name, but there is a lovely man who owns it, and his wonderfully welcoming and gorgeous Old English Sheepdog, Rebel...who i spent most of my time with, on the floor :)

Then, home jeeves, home...back to her house, which i love spending time in, who wouldn't? the light coming in her windows always blows me away...especially when the sun is setting and it filters through the leaves on the trees outside...it plays on the glass in their kitchen like nobodies business...We are going to have a sewing day wednesday, which im really looking forward to! i really want to do something productive, actually productive, instead of just drawing, because im enjoying it! :)

Then, while the sun was going down, i walked home, Hope in hand...met monica and lil one their way over to Ballure, so i walked with them until my house, about a mile, of chin wagging galore! keeping it country and having the craic ;)

The light was so surreal today...like summer, in winter...cant even begin to describe it, but it was beautiful, and needed after the last couple of days, with that blanket of grey over us...its nice to know that there is a sky, and a sun, and a moon and stars above that cloud :)

Morning :)

mum sees something completely different then what i saw when drawing girl and bear…

she sees it as an argument about death…

 the first in the series, says she, is 'teach me gently how to breathe' followed by 'hide and seek'  'it will be ok' and 'numb'

she says that in 'teach me gently how to breath' that it is very brave, even if it is just symbolism…i mean, who stands up to a bear? especially when they are screaming in your face…you would have to be pretty brave…or fucking stupid. Mum asked me what the girl, who she recognized as me, of course, was thinking in that drawing…is she thinking…'now you just listen to me one minute…who are you yelling at…theres no call for all you screaming and shouting…why don't you take your screaming and shouting elsewhere'

and with that the bear leaves…and the girl realizes that she has pushed him away and starts to cry…because she didn't mean to push him away, and she loves him. Thats 'hide and seek'

In 'it will be ok' , they come back together again and forgive each other…and he says to her, i was shouting because i wanted you to listen. im dieting, and i want you to stay with me…and solemnly she agrees, heart broken. He bows to her, and she kneels with him

and then, in numb, he dies,and she takes his heart……

she likes 'it will be ok' best, she likes how the bear is, his posture, and the way the girl is close to him, but respectful…

she loves the chemistry i suppose you would call it, in 'teach me gently how to breathe'…she loves the bears face in that one.

she asked if the bear was a boy or girl…it just said that it was a bear.

she knew the girl was me because of the shoes…and hair…and face…and clothes…and the general me-ness of her…

she wants me to get my hair done so it looks like 'teach me gently how to breathe'

It was a nice little crit, its nice to know what mum sees in things, because she is so unaffected by all that art bullshit that i have been emersed in the last 6years…she sees things so uncomplicated….she doesn't see things as out of proportion or being drawn badly…she looks at the whole thing, and makes a story of sorts out of it…i guess.

its nice to get options or interpretations or thoughts, feelings….instead of a critical 'this is shit and these are the reasons it is'

so this morning was lovely.

i sat with each drawing on its own for a few minutes,which i don't think i have ever done…i've never had the time, or ive never made the time…i draw stuff and more stuff and more…and leave them, and forget them…they are a means to an end…they don't really mean anything…samples…workings out…practice…its so foreign to actually be developing a relationship with my drawings…as in they mean something to me…i feel something when i look at them, i get lost in them…and they are really only just doodles…its not they are technically perfect and i cant get over it…or that hours and hours of time and effort went in…because, well sure, i spend time on them, but their just sketches really, its not like im mixing up tons of paint, and creating wall murals that take days….weeks….but why would any of that matter…it doesn't matter how long you spend on something, or what materials you use…sometimes the humblest, quietest, simplest things are the best things….and if im getting something out of them…it shouldn't matter how they are made…they are making themselves at the end of the day…..they are just coming so easy…they are such a joy…and right now, i need that…i need for them to draw themselves, to restore my faith in myself, and the world around me….so anyway…i took pictures of them, and thought about what i liked about them, and why…and what i could do next…so it was a nice little meditation morning …

im after taking some pics of myself in different stances…so i can get to work on the next couple :)

and drinking redbush tea :)

simple delights :)

^_^

I actually had a really nice day :)
Did a drawing this morning, the more I look at it the more i love it, called 'it will be ok'
id really like to develop it...into something amazing, and i really think it could sustain me for a very long time...i love it. i love drawing, just for myself. no deadline, no critic...no pressure...its an amazing feeling, to be able to go at my own pace...i feel like vie been working at break neck speeds for a long time...im starting to get my flow back...or my life force...call it what you will

yeh, that drawing makes me smile.
i like it !

Called in to Queen Janey's today after town, for a bit of a catch up, and that. it was so nice. I really like just sitting in a corner, sewing, or listening...drinking tea and watching her work...or listening to her stories. Thats how i get my kicks...some people down a tank of vodka at the weekend, and end up in a bush...i like being quiet and hanging out with someone a bit spesh ^_^
So i did a bit of sewing, had some lovely food...got loads of cuddles from Towser and Zara...everytime they see me they think im taking them for a walk...and Towser some times does these cute little barks, if i hum to him...his eyes are the same colour as mine...i think he likes me a lot.

So yes, i got out of my cave for a few hours and it was mucho appreciated, and i think i was appreciated in being there, which is always nice to know.

Im feeling positive, and happy
I like happy Richael
She's a pretty cool cat

x

i have been taking really deep breaths today
im hopping the more oxygen in me, the less dizzy i will feel
i seriously need to start meditating or something...i really think it would be good for me.
i used to do it, years ago...don't even know where i would begin...now.

i think meditating is different then thinking...thinking is tiring, and can be so enlightening, but so destructive at the same time...no wonder so many people go around being totally ignorant...its so much easier, in ways, isn't it?

i don't know why i am wearing black today...sometimes it has to be done i think...its ok though, my tights are black and purple striped...so at least theres some colour :)

the weather is insane as usual...one minute, downpour...the next, dry and windy...very confuseing...not looking forward to going out in it and allowing it to run havoc with my hair :(



on a totally different point....
i think within us, each of us, theres is some core animal...a totem...im not making it up. theres a whole philosophy behind it. in second year, i was living with this woman for a couple of months, and she was very interested in that idea...i read books on it...you can go to people who will tell you what yours is.
Pat, janes lovely friend...she's interested in it as well...but she said that, you know...if there is a particular animal that appeals to you, or appears to you...like when you wouldn't expect it...that is prolie your power animal...she thinks hers is a pine martin...you hardly ever see them...but she sees them...a lot...and she is quite weasely, in a way...full of energy...big expressive eyes, but very quiet, and close to the earth.
i do think that jane is a dear, but a young dear...also, full of energy...but can be quite flighty...light as a feather, but very strong...

i think, i mite be two...but mostly one...but more are becoming apparent, so im sitting on it at the moment....i think that i am very cat like, in ways...i am so independent...and standoffish, and cold...if i don't like you, i wont go over to you...like a cat...but if i do, good luck getting away from me :) and i think i walk funny...vie been told that before...i walk like im in a daze. even when im walking at a pace...and my eyes...but that just mite be a coincidence.
i think there is heron in me too...they are quite like cats in that they are very independent, and territorial...they are silent, and disappear frequently. they are still...they watch was is going on and don't comment...taking it all in. but their is an inner strength to them...they look so ridiculous as well...i think i look pretty ridiculous most of the time...just odd looking...strangely put together...and when you look at a heron for long enough, they begin to look absurd...
but
i do see them all the time...in really weird places, at very odd times...times when i need to see them. when i need some comfort, or reassurance.


i think i want to look into this most. i feel theres is a connection between us and animals. its something that has always interested me...im sick of looking at people on their own....

My will...dont read it if its going to freak you out. You have been warned.

just a warning

if you read this, please don't comment saying something like 'im worried about you' or 'are you alright' i don't want to hear it.

ive had a lot of time to think about things, and i just want this written somewhere easily accessed…just incase. it has already been written in journals etc, but god knows which ones or where they are, and im not about to go through everything i own…besides, things have changed since the last time i wrote this.

but for now

if i do die, and in there is no hope to save me, everything has been done, etc…donate my organs. whoever gets my eyes is going to be lucky :)

i don't want to be buried. technically.

and i suppose you can wake me…it seems to help the people mourning…eventhough it freaks the stuffing out of me…

if i am to be waked, i want to be waked in the house…not in town. i don't agree with that thing of every person walking in off the street…its not…its just not right. i don't want that

i want flowers…loads…millions…any kinds…the less formal they are..the better…please no wreaths of the traditional sense…keep your money. wild flowers are much more beautiful. or make me a flower. that would be amazing.

i want to be cremated. i don't mind burning, but being buried is making me slightly clostro thinking about it…and really…in 80 years, anyone who knows me now, will prolie be gone…ill just be a head stone, an expensive headstone…no thank you. humans are too temporary to be so defined in death…

so please cremate me…i want my ashes put into little viles…whoever wants one, can have one…but you know, use descretion in handing me out if theres any takers…i don't want to go home with everyone. if i didn't like you in life, i wont like you in death, and id say i wouldn't be the friendliest ghost at times…:)

if no one wants me…i want to be divided out…a piece of me buried with a tree…preferably a lilac tree…or silver birch…dogwood…or white thorn…at home.

then i would like some of me to go to the ocean…i actually think ballylochnan…would be nice…i feel at home there…

and i would like some in and around the mountains by kylemore…just let the breeze catch me, ill find my own way…

my stuff…i cant bring it with me…if you see something that means something to you, have it..i think i would like all my 'art' to stay together…that just makes more sense to me

so sorry about the morbid topic. but its the age of the internet and all that. so what better way to skip the bullshit, really :)

unless blogger goes down, this will always be here, so you will always know.

if there are changes, which i doubt…ill just change them here…keep it all tidy :)

Fuck sake.

it is cold

and raining

and i know its winter

can i hibernate now...

Thank you

^_^

I woke up this morning and my lips were numb

The little wren that had been fluttering where my heart was

Wasn't there

I think Im too cold for even her to live inside me

I drew two bear drawings today...
That was my little achievement for the day
Im happy Ive started drawing again...I was afraid for awhile there that I wouldnt
But, I guess it has to come out of me eventually...

I really hope its a nice day tomorro...
If i dont get out of my room im going to end up like Emily Dickinson...

The 6mm are through my ears and just hanging out...chillin...
I can see through them now!
Which makes me happy :)

I hope tomorro is better.
Im looking forward to my bed...

Im so drained...

Dark, you can't come soon enough for me ...
Saved, from one more day of misery
Everything i love get back from me now
everyone i love, i need you now
dont forget a million miles from me
safe and another day passed by me
everything i love get back from me now
everyone i love i need you now
So what, I lied, I lied to me too
Hold out for the ones who know will love you
Hide out from the ones you know will love you
slow, to make my move, im almost there
Everything I say, I say to me first

the rain has been so heavy the last day and night

it is quite oppressive...

i already feel like im underwater...

i dont actually want to be.

30...last day

Day 30- Who are you?


Who am I
Are you serious?
I know weve been talking back and forth for a little over a month now...but I wasnt expecting this...
Do you know who you are...or rather, do you think you could have been just a tad bit more specific?
ok...let me see...
Who am I


Right...


My name is Richael...some people call me Shelly, Shell, Shelky, Spooky, Shell Bells...etc...but mostly its just Richael. I just finished my final year in Textiles in GMIT and Im free as a bird technically, at the moment. . .


Thats a load of bull


I am this


I am basically whatever and whoever you need me to be at any given time...I am a worker...and cook...a babysitter...
I can be a vet...a painter and a cleaner...
My most valued profession is agony aunt...or really Im basically a confessional...
People feel like they can unload all of their baggage on me, which is fine...it generally runs off me...ive learned to manage it
And I guess someone has to listen to people talk.
I dont know what it is about me...I really dont...
People just open up
Its really lovely most of the time...sometimes I get told things that I really dont need to or want to know...


I am quiet and still and for the most part, strong. 
I can be strong for other people, maybe not always for myself


I think I am a good sister...I would like to think that Im there and aproachable for my little brother...that he can trust and rely on me...that Ive never made him feel judged...or sad...
I think Im an ok daughter...I dont think Im that much of a disapointment to my parents...I think I could have turned out a whole lot worse.
I think I am a really good friend to the select few people I actually allow myself to become friends with...I keep the numbers down so low, so I can concentrate on the few...and hopefully not neglect anyone...


Im young and Im still figuring out who I am...I dont know who I want to be...so being who I am, to the best of my ability is all I can do for the moment...

*Fluffy Heart*

This makes me smile now.

Lets just pretend, for now, that this is day 29

Day 29- In this past month, what have you learned

Jesus H. Christ...

You do ask some awkward questions, survey...

• I have learned that I am, in general, not a very nice person
• People think they know me, but they actually dont
• I dont even really know myself
• I am shit scared about the future...not being in college anymore...not having a job...not knowing what i am doing really from one day to the next
• I think far too much
• I dont think enough
• I cant talk, at all, and it disturbs me
• I procrastinate about everything
• My eyes look like they are naked when I dont have eyeliner on...
• I dont deal with things, as they hapen...I just stock pile them until they overflow and explode everywhere
• I need to start drawing again before i go completely insane
• I have to get out of the house more often...
• I need to start trusting people, and allowing them to enter into the fortress I have built up around myself
• I have got to start talking, even if it does hurt people
• I have a tendency to underestimate people
• My heart is broken
• I am broken
• I am going to get fixed and be happy again
• I am tired of acting like everything is ok, when its not
• I am sick to death of keeping this storm inside me under control...i have to let her out
• I am very strong, usually for other people
• I am very weak, when it comes to myself
• I am constantly changing
• I am an enigma...and Im surprised that anyone even bothers to try and put up with me
• I love my friends, becasue they put up with so much of my bullshit...

I have learned so much...maybe ill add to this again at some stage...Its been quite an eventful month...Intense...but im still here...so...

^_^
XXX

What a very apt question...

Day 26- What you think about your friends


I dont think alot of my friends know me...really know me.
And I think alot of them would agree with me, when I say that.
They wouldn't get offended...or be surprised that I had said that
They would just take it as probably true.


I love my friends...I love them all very deeply.
Old ones, and new ones, the same.
I usually dont show it enough, how much I love them
I think its because Im scared.
Im scared that if they knew how much I cared about them
And needed them, they would see me as a burden of some kind...
Or some sort of extra responsibility.
People like their friends to come and go...
not to be there all the time


I really love people, but I  find it easier to be on my own
Because it hurts too much to say good bye
And I have built up such a shield, that saying goodbye, 
Doesnt even make me flinch anymore
I remember...you remember, when I used to be distraught


I think Im getting that way again
Im starting to feel again
It petrifies me


But I love my friends
I wish they knew me better
I wish I could open up and let them know everything
But, I think, if they really knew me
They wouldnt want to know me anymore
And friendless i would be


So I keep quiet...and listen to them
Agree with things
Keep quiet on things i dont


I wish I was stronger
I wish I could open up
And let them know


But,
I dont even know who I am
So how can I expect them to...


One day
Maybe
Till then
I love them
I love them all
Very very much 


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