day 27....nearly there :)

Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge


When I saw this on Lauren's Tumblr...i thought...I could do that.
I always liked filling things out like this...I am such a sad case, but I do...
I like filling them out and thinking that I will one day, in the future, read back over it and see what my 16...19...23 year old self thought about the world...what I liked...what I was doing...etc...
Also, I thought it would put a bit of structure on my blog, and force me to update it daily...because I was getting really bad there for awhile...but clearly, it failed that...as this is prolie not day 27 at all...oh well


I tried...


^_^

O_o

the events of this last week have actually shaken me to my core

like nuclear fall out

im quite concerned

i think ill be alright though

i hope

Changes

I can feel a change within me

Im just starting to grasp a hold

But I dont want to hold on to tightly

In case I fall

And get let down

ho hum...

I felt, really...weird earlier...
Like there was a cloud of DOOM hanging over me...
Like eeyore has...
Just a little cloud of doom...following him where ever he goes...

Im trying not to feel like that, but...its tough...
And I dont know what it is...Im afraid if I tap into it...
A doom can of WORMS will be opened...
Along with Pandora's DOOMED box...
And the cat, named Doom, will be let out of the bag...

Like I said, Im not trying to feel like this
Im trying very hard not to feel like this...

Silly cloud of DOOM


go away

Cinematic Orchestra-To Build a Home

I love this song, more then I can put into words...

There is a house built out of stone

Wooden floors, walls and window sills...

Tables and chairs worn by all of the dust...

This is a place where I don't feel alone

This is a place where I feel at home...

Cause, I built a home

for you

for me

Until it disappeared

from me

from you

And now, it's time to leave and turn to dust...

Out in the garden where we planted the seeds

There is a tree as old as me

Branches were sewn by the color of green

Ground had arose and passed it's knees

By the cracks of the skin I climbed to the top

I climbed the tree to see the world

When the gusts came around to blow me down

I held on as tightly as you held onto me

I held on as tightly as you held onto me......

Cause, I built a home

for you

for me

Until it disappeared

from me

from you

And now, it's time to leave and turn to dust........

sweet heart

I break in two
There is one half for me
A half for you

I hold my breath
And wait for this
To pass
I know it will
It always does

I wish
There is one lone star
And a yearning in my heart
I wish

I sing
Sing along
The saddest songs
All day long
All day long

I walk backwards
And wonder what part of me
Decided that that was a good idea
I shush myself
But its already too late
The damage is done
I hang my head
Listening to the scene unfold before me
I know how it turns out
The ending

I wait
I wait
I wait

Listen
Comfort
Listen
Comfort

Cross my fingers hard
Hold my breath
Wish
Hope
I hope that there are survivors

My heart breaks in two
One for me
One for you

We can put it back together
I know
I know
We can

twenty five...me in two years...scary...

Day 25- What I would find in your bag


Hope this doesnt give anyone any ideas...
My camera...which I love and dont go anywhere without...
Two purses...my Choco Cat purse, I got in Camden with Eoghain and Alex last summer, which I keep money in, which is always empty...and a little cloth purse that an aunt gave me, that I keep my cards in...also, very unexciting...
Raven care Tattoo ointment stuff...
Eye Liner and Mascara...
Lipsmackers lip gloss...and Rosey lips vasaline...
A tiny Pucca Notebook...
My house keys
A pen...sometimes two...
Tweezers...
Nasel spray for this cold...
And, at this moment in time...A tin box of ear stretchers.

Make this go on forever S.P.

Please dont let this turn into something its not
I can only give you everything Ive got
I can be as sorry as you think I should
But I still love you more than anyone else could
All that I keep thinking throughout this whole fight
Is that it could take my whole damn life to make this right
The splintered mast Im holding on wont save me long
Because I know fine well that what i did was wrong

The last straw and the last reason, to make this last for as long as i could

the first kiss and the fist time that i felt connected to anything

the weight of water, the way you taught me to looked passed everything i have ever learned

the final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love.

We have got through so much worse than this before
Whats so different this time that you cant ignore
you say it is much more than just my last mistake
And we should spend some time apart for both our sakes

The last straw and the last reason, to make this last for as long as i could
the first kiss and the fist time that i felt connected to anything
the weight of water, the way you taught me to looked passed everything i have ever learned
the final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love.

And I dont know where to look
My words just break and melt
Please just save me from this darkness....

Back now...

Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else

I have yellow eyes!…Well, if you ever manage to make eye contact with me…or get to see the two of them at the same time…usually one of them is hidden beneath of swatch (textiles term…SNAP!) of hair…but they are in facto yellow…It depends on the weather, or my moods i think…well not so much my moods…they would prolie be red sometimes if that was the case. But yea…anyway…They go from hazel…to a bright yellow…I really love my eyes…Its so funny…family members…like aunts and stuff…still come up to me and like fix their gaze on my eyes in shock "Jesus Richael, I never noticed the colour of your eyes before…!"

I have always had them :)

But yeah, I think they are prolie the most original thing about be…I know that yellow is an eye colour…but Ive never actually seen anyone else…so that makes me different…from everyone i know at least :)

Day 23- Something you crave for a lot

Cocaine!….

no, just messing…I think it depends on different circumstances…like, if im stuck in the house working on art stuff for a week…I will crave a long walk, like nobodys

business…or if i have a head cold, i just want oranges and clementines all the time…I crave company, and love…but I think everyone does. Thats human nature..isn't it.

I also crave understanding…I want so badly for people to understand me…really understand me…so i don't have to keep explaining myself…its hard explaining yourself…it makes you really think about who you are…

Day 24- A letter to your parents

Hi,

Thank you for doing such a good job, as parents. I know it must have been really hard…I can be so akward sometimes…most of the time…and i was a proper little shit when i was 16…17…18…19…I know i caused you a lot of worry and pain and grief, and im really really sorry. I was so stupid. I should have know better. But please know that it wasn't your fault. It wasn't because you failed, or didn't cover that subject with me…kids just do what they want eventually…and they don't think, for some reason, how much its going to hurt the people that brought them into this world…

but thank you for understanding…for your patience…for never stopping me from doing what i wanted to do…or question me on why i was doing something. your trust, has really helped. thank you for listening…letting me vent…for not abusing me, or neglecting me…for being level headed, and quiet…talented and strong…thank you for being yourselves…separate and together. I love you both very very much. I was so lucky to get you X

O_o

Im having a

MY HEAD IS EVERYWHERE AND NOWHERE

day...

Im really looking forward to Saturday...the sooner this puppy gets fixed, the better...really

Also, cant wait to see bug, and find out how Smace Smace got on in her first week back to college :)

And joke around with Liudas :)

I love Sligo...if it wasnt so full of nackers, It mite beat Galway...

Kinda Glad I didnt go to art college there, If I had, I would never have met Keelin or Elaine...and that just would not do!

I am quite a sleepy bear...but have to do something productive before I retire...

Yoga, anyone?

Now you know, You know it now.

Hard Hearted,
Dont worry.
Im ready for a fight.

Unnerved,
The nerve.
Your nervous.

Nervous that I'm right

:sings: NineTeeeeeeen

Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them


I have a few...


shelly belly
shelky blog
shelky bean
kitten
chicken
shelly
shell
shell bells
shelly bean
baked chicken


Ive always loved the idea of nick names, and i give everyone i no, one...
I call everything cute...and every one dear, or deary, or dearest.
those are the basics...
I prefer pet names...as a term of endearment...
Grace is Gracie loo...Grace Face...Smace...smacey...
Lilleah is Lilly Bug, Monkey butt...Lilly Bud...BugBug...
Liudas is Rudebox...Rufus...
Alex is Alexy,...Smalexy...Smalaxitave...Monkey...Cute one...
Kiaya...Ki ki...Ki...Ki Ki Moo Moo...
Keelin...Quail Fin...Panda Face...Potato Head
Elaine...ElaineOOOO
Eoghain...Boy...da Boi...ma boy...hey you...
Finola...finola la...
Siobhan...bon bon...she bee...she bon

ok...
im not ok

im finding all this quite hard to deal with

i need a distraction

i need somebody/something to take me out of my head

or just tell me that everything will in fact, be ok

that they will come back

like homing pigeons

or boomerangs...





its the constant saying of goodbye...
thats killing me

eighteen

Day 18 - Plans, dreams, goals you have...

You can ask anyone that knows me...I dont plan.
I dont plan anything...what Im going to wear...until Im literally infront of the wardrobe fishing for things in the morning...
What Im going to eat...I dont go food shopping with a list of ingredients that I will need for every day's meals...I think I did that once...and I nearly passed out from the restriction, so decided never to do it again...
I dont even like to plan what Im going to do the next day.
I dont like things to be set in stone...not that plans are literally a list of things that must be followed or else...
I just feel restricted...and like things cant change then, and if they do, itl be a huge hassel...etc...

I, so, then, have very very very loose plans.
Ones that can be changed around quite easily, without much fuss, or bother, or heartache to anyone involved...
1. I plan on having Kiaya over on Wednesday, to keep me company seeing as the boy is leaving :_(
2. I plan to go back to sligo soon...for to get my disasterous tattoos fixed up, so they look sharp...
3. I plan to plant a flower patch for next spring/summer...so I have picking flowers...something Ive always wanted.
4. I plan to visit alex at the end of october...
5. I plan to spend Halloween with Grace, Bug and Liudas...trick or treating :)
6. I plan on moving to Galway when Alex gets back form Austria...

1. I dream about doing something that will make a difference in the world...I dont know what. I think I should be given quite alot of power, over the world. I promise I will fixEVERYTHING...because I am sick to death of how it all is...
2. I dream of living in a totally passive, ecofriendly house, that has its own water, and creates its own electricity...I want to be totally self sufficient...grow my own food...make my own clothes...
3. I do dream of having children...but that much responsibility...I think Ill transfer that over to dogs and cats maybe...
4. I dream of travelling, I want to see lots of different places, one place at a time...slowly. I want to take my time, and soak them up. I dont want to go on a massive, sweeping world tour...
5. I dream of being thin...a little superficial...but at least im honest...
6. I dream of being happy...of really being happy...through and through
7. I dream of being a better person, a better friend, daughter, sister, lover...
8. I dream of being proficient in something...whether that be making herbal remedies, or reading tarot cards...or art...
...
Those are my goals...if I can manage to fulfill all my plans AND manage to get some dreams out of the way, Ill be doing. Pretty. Well

The Book, cont.

Cancer/Aquarian

Aquarious finds Cancer helpful in some way…Cancer finds Aquarius mystifying…but Cancer finds her more mystifying then the rest of the star signs…

At first glance it may appear that these two share nothing at all…But on a closer look, you will find that they both share the quality of strangeness…

Aquarius changeability and unpredictable behavior are timed like lightening…one minute the sky is clear-blue milk glass, and a split second later, theres this zig zag forked yellow fire cutting across through the clouds…followed by the most awful rumble, then a sudden noisy clap of thunder…

Theres one Cancer mood Aquarius wont enjoy. The Crab's sometimes exaggerated sense of personal privacy. Aquarians have nothing to hide, and they cant comprehend why the crabs are so unnecessarily suspicious and self protective.

Aquarians never see themselves in a strange way…The whole world is crazy, and everyone in it is crazy, but they are as normal as can be…

Cancer will make every possible attempt to 'lead' aquarius, while aquarious makes every possible attempt not te be led…

The crab will try every sort of maneuver to get the water bearer to come around to their point of view…It takes awhile to learn that the devil and 40 horsemen could not persuade an Aquarian to do anything that they did not wish to do…You can make it the devil and 90 horsemen, if you wish. Throw in the entire marine corps…

The eating habits of these two are vastly different…Aquarians enjoy snacks like frozen banana dipped in chopped liver, tomatoes stuffed with pinto beans and baked dandelions…Cancers prefer more nourishing dishes, like Mama used to make…To keep the crab happy…lots of love…lots of food…lots of money…and simply oodles of sympathetic listening…

who, me?

I had a productive day in some respects…I learned how to use i tunes and my i pod…well…im learning…its going to take a while..but ill get there. I see one star outside. a sign of hope, maybe?

How my heart breaks today…

Im skimming through Linda Goodman's LOVE SIGNS…and the descriptions of me (aquarian) are so funny…but very accurate, its scary…

"…their vision, spanning the years, the decades, and even centuries, gives them the benefit of an extra dimensions or two…which accounts for the vague expression in their eyes…"

"Some aquarian(s) enjoy it so much out there in tomorrow…leaving their flesh bodies behind to manage as best they can during the absence, walking around zombie-like, neither hearing nor seeing, and speaking in an unintelligible mumble…do you see why aquarius is also called the sign of insanity?"

"Aquarians are well aware that they posses this half and half nature (insanity and genius) and they are all rather marvelously untroubled by it…happily admitting their quirks…"

"…aquarians often mumble in unintelligible, monosyllables, at times, like "Yep" - "Nope" -"Uh-huh" - and "Grmmmpphhff" "

"Aquarious…always know far more than they spill carelessly out of their little brown jugs…they receive their kicks from life by speaking Sanskrit, underwater…whispering through a megaphone, while chewing bubble gum, underwater…their conversations often sound like a tape recorder played backwards at high speed…Even when their remarks are clear enough to sound like a tape being played forward at slow speed, there are usually lots of blank spots…"

"even the timid Aquarian counts everyone as friend…from the postman, to the president…its all they can do, these people, to keep themselves straightened out on the difference between girls and boys, top and bottom, black and white…etc…the term 'buddy' is used to describe lovers, wives, cats, dogs, squirrels, children, muggers, pickpocketers, relatives…"

"The water bearer will need a firm grip to keep from slipping over the wobbly line between Genius and Insanity…"

" The Aquarian lady is different, she intrigues because she is mysterious...its the mystery of wondering if shes for real...it facinates..."

"She has a deliberately vague air about her...Like when she begins a sentence, and leaves it hanging there...when she stares off into the distance when shes saying 'i love you...' having trouble remembering her lovers name"

"She collects things that facinate her..."

"Carry you own @@**!!%$*& chair home on your back...I'm going on a camping trip tomorro, by myself - and ill be gone a week or more. dont call me, ill call you if i feel like it, which i wont" She slams the door and speeds away in her station wagon, on her way to no where - to 'calmly' think it over...Shel come home in 15 mins or so, her anger cooled, and bring her lover a gift, a peace offering - perhaps a puppy she found wandering around...but she will have to learn that volatile is not an 8 letter word for happiness"

"She is the Black Sheep...but this is not a negative term...she just has the gumption to be different"

"She'll seldom retract anything she's said, if she felt deeply enough when she said it...but her eccentricities of dress and manners, her sudden zig and zags of behaviour...cannot be described as dependable...they can only be described as unsettleing"

"She knows theres never a need to conform to anything unless you want to...Shes always content to live by the seashore without knocking folks that prefer the mountains...Shes always worn her hair the way she wanted...Whats wrong with going to church on sunday, then having lunch with an atheist?...just live and let live..."

15

Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play


You asked for it...


1. Black Tongue - Yeah Yeah Yeahs...
2. Let the Cool Goddess Rust Away - Clap your hands say yeah (seriously painful)
3. Armour Love - La Roux ( I've never actually heard this before)
4. He Said, She Said - Bell X1
5. Whatcha Say (Afrojack Remix) - Jason Derulo (which is BANGING!)
6. Remain - Jose Gonzalez (don't like this...)
7. Track 12 - Caspa and Rusco (also Banging)
8. Science of Fear - The Temper Trap
9. Track 1 - Caspa and Rusco
10. Track 1 - Four Tet (love this song...very electric picnic feeling to it)




That wasn't as bad as I was expecting :)

lucky thirteen

Day 13 -  A letter to someone who has hurt you recently

Dear _______,

I am not a child anymore
I am not your doormat
You cannot expect me to just do that
You broke me
I wanted to quite because of you
You drove me crazy
You made me feel physically sick, and still do
I trusted you with everything, and you smacked me in the face with it
I wish you knew how capable I am
I am not as dim as you make me out to be
You should have apologised
You should be nicer to me
You should just let me get on with it
Im not ready yet
Please just let me go
You cant stop me from being my own person
Please dont leave me
Please dont hurt me
Stop interrupting me
Please listen to me
I have a right to be heard

these 4 walls

So Im home now after my little adventure to Sligo...And I kinda wish I could just pack another slightly bigger bag and head back on the next bus...Im so needy...its not right...
I got totally spoilt with all the people...now that Im on my onesees....that wonderful lonely monster that took a hike when I was in Sligo, is now perched quite heavily on my chest...
I was not good today on the bus...Ive been feeling very unhinged lately...not unmanageably so...just a little edgy...and weak and faint...but manageably weak and faint and edgy...if there is such a state to be in.

I think the change of scenery was really good for me...I can get so stuffy and comfortable...I need to 'get out of my comfort zone' a little more, me thinks...
It was great spending time with Grace...BONDING time :D I think me and Gracie are getting closer the last two years, but I feel it more so in the last couple months...I felt really at home with them...which is not something easily achieved...I usually feel like running away when put into situations like that...but, no, it was great actually:)

Super amazing to be around Lily Bug for such a long streatch... I cannot get over the intelligence of that little misses...doing round and round the garden...mimicing pretty much everything you do...the hold phone shoulder thing...different noises...shes as cute as a button...if buttons were baby-shaped and adorable...

I made my special brownies...which dont contain any illegals...except an illegal amount of goodness in the form of ultra nom nom green and blacks chocolate...and beetroot...I think if I had grated the Beetroot instead of hacking it up myself and then letting Lauren hack it up some more...they may have been better...
Lauren made flapjacks, which were pretty fantastic, I must admit and give credit where it is due...

We got indian, which was yummie, and a staple tradition of ours, when we gather... :)

Hung out it Skull's shop while anna was getting her tattoo done...which was nice...I felt a little awkward for awhile, but once I was floor candy...that was me sorted...until Skull mock gave out to me for filling in his soduko...which put me into tears... such a wimp

I read Grace, Liudas and Lauren's tarot cards...we talked about tattoos...and all sorts of other things...

It was really really nice.
And I really enjoyed myself
And Im looking at my calendar now to try and figure out when Ill go back

:)

X