everything happens for a reason

i have always been a firm believer in this
even if sometimes you dont see it
even if the pieces on the puzzel dont line up obviously
they fit together perfectly, eventually..and then you can see why something happened

take today, for example...
i could have easily hopped on the 12 bus going to kiltimagh...
but something inside me said...no
intuition
i have to listen to her more often
so i wandered around town for a little while...
killing time, getting bits of christmas shopping done...
went to sam baileys and had poached eggs (which i cant cook myself, but they do the most amazing ones on the planet) and toast and tea for my breakfast/lunch...
liudas rang me, and asked if i could possibly come down to help while grace was away...
no problem
at all
went to the bus station,
got my ticket for kiltimagh...looked at the time table FOR SUNDAY...everything was fine
waited and waited for the bus to come to stop no.3, and if it wasnt for the "stand clear, luggage doors operate"..i wouldnt have realised that my bus was actually parked at stop 7, way out of my range of vision...
ran up to that
he said that the next bus to kiltimagh, even though i checked it a load of times, wasnt until 5...
0.0
but to run down to the tuam and derry buses that had been sat infront of me for about 15 mins, and see where they were headed...
did that
eventually got on the derry bus and had to ring liudas and tell him that i would be coming in to knock instead...mam arranged to bring some clothes with her to mass and wait in knock til i got there
the bus journey
took
forever
o.O
eventually....eventually
we got there...liudas literally just pulled up as i got out of the bus...mum and dad right behind him...it was all very fluid...like something coreorgraphed...and planned...but it wasnt...it just happened that way...

so we drove to sligo...slowly...
a bit too slowly most of the time
i think people were being that little bit too cautious...

but anyway...
this is my point...
we were driving...everything was taking for AGES...
i thought i should have gotten the earlier bus...and was beating myself up over it a little bit...

but then,
just then...
there it was
the most beautiful thing i have ever seen in my life

it shot right over our heads...slowly...it could have passed itself off as a plane...
but it wasnt
it was a very low meteor...or a comet (if there is a difference?)
and it had this brilliant, firey orange tail that followed it...

oh, god...it was amazing

there arent any words that could give it justice, its absolute beauty...



and there it is...all things happen for a reason
everything
if something lined up, just slightly differently...we wouldnt have seen it...i wonder who else saw it...?
i love when things line up like that

when the universe gives you a little surprise...

i made a wish on that falling star...
and just because it was so fantastic...im sure it will come true...

tomorro will be interesting to say the least

i found this the other day on weheartit.com ... where i have been spending quite a considerable amount of time...the images are absolutely beautiful, to say the least...and i keep coming across things like this...words...words that look amazing...that mean something...i think im going to start doing my own...ive always found that cross over, the most difficult to bridge and navigate...i want to say something, but i don't know how, and when i do, no one ever can see what i meant to say...they make up their own interpretation...which is what art is...but i just...well maybe i will come back to it one day...and not mind so much that my message is lost in translation.

this speaks to me

a lot...

im going to the protest tomorrow. im thinking of making a banner today. 

im staying in galway tonight with either paddy or bronwyn. 

im charging my camera as i write this.

i hope i don't get hurt

but after listening to that woman on the radio yesterday...

i think

its something in my blood

ive grown up as 'on the fringe' as i can, without even realizing it

when your a baby you don't realize these things...

but its in my blood

im a revolutionary...

mam and dad have made sure of that.

but they are waning now...even mum this morning was like

i should really be going with you

but what good will it do?

they are jaded and understandably so

they have seen it and done it

they are so involved with everything, that when shit goes down, they are the first to know

and i think they are just tired

tired of everything

their like old dogs that want to play fetch

but just cant get up the strength to move

im young

and angry

i will be pounding the streets like im pounding these keys

im sick of sitting and watching

i need to be in the thick of it

i have to feel something

and if they break my legs

let them

and if i get pelted with bottles

so be it

and if the guards are pigs

ill get the pictures

and take videos

and put them up

and let them see

we need numbers

if everyone keeps thinking

what good will it do

they never listen

then thats what will happen

we need the numbers

we should be in the streets

the world needs to know that we are angry and we are ashamed of this country and the state that its in

im marching for all those that cant

people who have to work

mams who have little babies

the disabled

the homeless

people about to lose their house

people who CANT actually get to dublin for whatever reason

my brother

my mother

my father

all our family

im representing anyone that wants me to

and thats the way i see it

everyone who will be there

will be representing all those that cant be there

we have got to be heard

they have to see us in the streets

they have to see the young

the old

the well dressed

the poor

the scum

the artist

the hippy

the jock

the chav

the farmer

the teacher

the mother

the injured

the hurt 

they need to see us in our thousands

and even if it doesn't get anything done

and nothing changes

at least the world will see that we are not happy

and then maybe ill be able to sleep at night again.

Jane's Utopia

just waiting for my folks to get back…

i get so worried when i know that someone is driving…that is definitely the reason i have put off driving for so long…it scares me so much. im surrounded by it all the time…i know that it is a pretty necessary thing, especially for someone like me, who lives in the middle of nowhere…i need to overcome that little niggelly fear that I OR SOMEONE I KNOW WILL DIE IN A CAR ACCIDENT…

i have got to get the fuck over it

we are all going to die

that is inevitable

it shouldn't cripple me to the point that i wont get into a car…

so im waiting 

i speed cleaned the things that i know will tick them off a bit, like the dishes…everything else…clothes horse etc will just have to wait…just because they were on holiday doesn't mean i was going to keep their house like a museum until they got back…its not like its all that lovely and tidy when their around…its not that bad….

i just went through two amazing days.

yesterday, (which seems so long ago now...so much has happened since...)

was eye opening...inspiring...hopeful...productive...encouraging...strengthening...but a bit frustrating...and sad and uncertain.

i just could not get myself together yesterday morning...i don't know what was wrong with me, was i just tired or what...but i couldn't rise myself at all...my body would jut not work...

i eventually got up, had a shower, and tried to get some clothes together that looked half decent...but you know those days...mine are few and far between, thankfully, but i just cant get something together to wear...it just doesn't work...

so i eventually threw on some clothes, 

sorted the dogs out with treats and things, gave the cats their food in the shed...and made my merry way over to janes, on foot...for the day...to do lovely things like sew and draw and drink tea.....off i skipped down the road ^_^

just at about this point, that little white house is my cousin's...i saw this very strange cloud...and had to take a picture...the far left hand side is so round-y...i couldn't understand it at all...just creeping its way over the town...like 'the nothing' in the never ending story...

i met stewie walking charlie back the road with the gun and i stopped for a second to talk to him...jane met me at the top of Corrick hill with her two doggies...thankfully mine (+cats) actually listened to me and stayed back at the house, or there would have been quite a commotion :)

I love meeting people half way. Me and Kiaya met, halfway between her's and mine on Tuesday, which was nice, because i hardly ever go for a walk in that direction...

the walk from the hill to jane's didn't seem to take any time at all...i don't even remember walking past monica's and bridie's...

when we got in we had coffee ^_^ (the only reason i go to jane's) JOKE!!! (but seriously, she makes a killer cuppa joe)

and then, when everything settled down, we sat in the window, me in the arm chair, she on the sette...and we just talked. for ages. and it was really nice

i think it is really important, although we sometimes forget to do it

we sometimes think, i think...that maybe someone doesn't want to hear from us

or maybe we don't mean as much to someone, as we actually do

i forget to talk all the time

im . so . used . to . listening 

it is so hard for me, to insist that the person i am listening to shuts up for a second, and listens to me

i just don't think

i guess i don't think i have anything worth saying

or maybe that no one wants to hear it

i suppose

id like someone to ask me

'how are you'

or

'what do you think'

i don't like initiating things...

and i suppose i feel that if someone wanted to know how i was or what i thought, enough, they would ask

i don't think very highly of myself

i used to think nothing of myself

im getting better tho...at least im aware that i do it now...

but im still not great

i don't really think that im all that important to anyone...i know that that is silly

but its something that ive always thought

even when i was very small

im surprised that i didn't get THAT as my first tattoo...

you are nothing

you mean nothing

your invisible

no one cares

i know that people do care

and that im not invisible (although ive been plowed into by enough people on shop street to wonder if that is in fact true)

and i know that i mean something, to some people

but because i don't FEEL it myself

i cant believe...or it takes me a long time to believe, that anyone else could actually like me

because i don't like myself

i have to start to get to know myself

i have to start liking me

i cant keep this up of, not liking myself

...

anyway,

so me and jane talked a lot

about a lot of things...

i think there was quite a grey area that wasn't being touched for a long time (my doing) and now that that grey area is opened, i feel a lot closer to her. i know that i can talk to her about things, and that she listens because i mean a lot to her and she cares about me

and thats nice to know

^_^

after our long chat, jane made me scrum-diddly-umptious lunch...which was so morish i did not want it to end...noodles, with feta, tomatoes, olives, celery, garlic and an egg through it...it was so so good...my mouth is watering looking at it... and

grape juice, in a glass mug...spoiled isn't even the word for it :) i am so taken care of when i am there...im surprised they manage to get me out the door and off home at all :D

then after our lovely feast, we went upstairs to do some work, i knuckled down, and made some red arm warmers (arm warmers being possibly my favorite things in the entire world) ...red being my least favorite...but i think i did well, and i hope they find a nice home, like moonchild did ^_^

and when those were done jane showed me this...which really inspired me...lots...

then we had some afternoon tea...because "sewing is just an excuse for talking"...and talking sewing...does make one quite hungry...

the girly-whirleys came home, courtesy of Jane's chariot...meabh is first, then Roisin and Bee...Meabh is a sweet heart, she had her friend over after school and they were in Meabhs room playing the whole time till dinner...

Roisin came upstairs and talked to me for a bit. Roisin has grown up so much. She makes me feel SO old. Because i used to babysit them all...ive watched them grow up over the last 5/6 years or so...so i mean she's 17 now...i met her first when she was 11/12? when she still had strawberry blonde curly hair...all smiley and like a little girl...its so strange that she's all grown up. she's really sound, and great craic. we get on really well...im still mentally 16/18...so we are on the same wavelength...but so are me and jane....

i think

i can adjust my frequency according to who i am around

is that possible

or is that insane...

ive been asking that question of myself a lot recently

"is that actually a good idea, or is your sanity slipping"

"is that intuition or is that a whim that means nothing"

"are you sane or are you crazy...?"

but yes...where was i?

Roisin...

yeh, me and roisin get on

and me and bee get on

and me and meabh.

which is really good

i hope they think im cool

how sad am i

but i would like

at least one person in this world

to think that im cool

just one

is that so much to ask? :)

i always feel so welcomed in jane's house

i just feel instantly at home

i don't feel like they are 'put out' by me

i just go with their flow

do what they do

eat and drink when they eat and drink

sleep when they sleep

i love friends like that

ones that make you a piece of furniture in their life

that they feel so comfortable with you in the house, they don't feel like they need to mind you...

or fuss over you

its nice to be 

just be

and not feel awkward or in the way

i really love them

they all mean so much to me

xXx

sometimes I wish


I could stay in this bubble


Forever...

Wish

I made a wish on a star tonight.

I do that from time to time.

I say that rhyme...

"Star light

Star Bright

First star I see tonight...

I wish I may

I wish I might

Have the wish

I wish tonight"

And then I think the wish,

Because if you say it,

Or tell anyone,

It won't come true...

I don't think it will come true.

My wishes never come true.

i want to do pretty things with meaningful words

dream houses

Eye Candy

i want these...more then words can say...

0 . 0

small words

sorry

love

all

need

want

know

see

feel

here

wait

listen

care

make

break

just

hiding

biding

call

love

want

need

keep

strife

wait

longer

mind

regret

night

What I actually did today....

got dressed

made and ate grub

did laundry

tidied my desktop to make hearts

took the dogs for a walk

and now im going to make another tea cozy...

think the prototype worked ok...even if i did get bored

of the pattern halfway through and basically winged it

....

im so bold

^_^

Plans for today

get dressed

get some grub

do my laundry

tidy my room

make my desktop go from this...

to this...

take the dogs and cats for a walk...

draw something....