Sunday, November 28, 2010

everything happens for a reason

i have always been a firm believer in this
even if sometimes you dont see it
even if the pieces on the puzzel dont line up obviously
they fit together perfectly, eventually..and then you can see why something happened

take today, for example...
i could have easily hopped on the 12 bus going to kiltimagh...
but something inside me
i have to listen to her more often
so i wandered around town for a little while...
killing time, getting bits of christmas shopping done...
went to sam baileys and had poached eggs (which i cant cook myself, but they do the most amazing ones on the planet) and toast and tea for my breakfast/lunch...
liudas rang me, and asked if i could possibly come down to help while grace was away...
no problem
at all
went to the bus station,
got my ticket for kiltimagh...looked at the time table FOR SUNDAY...everything was fine
waited and waited for the bus to come to stop no.3, and if it wasnt for the "stand clear, luggage doors operate"..i wouldnt have realised that my bus was actually parked at stop 7, way out of my range of vision...
ran up to that
he said that the next bus to kiltimagh, even though i checked it a load of times, wasnt until 5...
but to run down to the tuam and derry buses that had been sat infront of me for about 15 mins, and see where they were headed...
did that
eventually got on the derry bus and had to ring liudas and tell him that i would be coming in to knock instead...mam arranged to bring some clothes with her to mass and wait in knock til i got there
the bus journey
we got there...liudas literally just pulled up as i got out of the bus...mum and dad right behind was all very something coreorgraphed...and planned...but it just happened that way...

so we drove to sligo...slowly...
a bit too slowly most of the time
i think people were being that little bit too cautious...

but anyway...
this is my point...
we were driving...everything was taking for AGES...
i thought i should have gotten the earlier bus...and was beating myself up over it a little bit...

but then,
just then...
there it was
the most beautiful thing i have ever seen in my life

it shot right over our could have passed itself off as a plane...
but it wasnt
it was a very low meteor...or a comet (if there is a difference?)
and it had this brilliant, firey orange tail that followed it...

oh, was amazing

there arent any words that could give it justice, its absolute beauty...

and there it is...all things happen for a reason
if something lined up, just slightly differently...we wouldnt have seen it...i wonder who else saw it...?
i love when things line up like that

when the universe gives you a little surprise...

i made a wish on that falling star...
and just because it was so sure it will come true...

Friday, November 26, 2010

tomorro will be interesting to say the least

i found this the other day on ... where i have been spending quite a considerable amount of time...the images are absolutely beautiful, to say the least...and i keep coming across things like this...words...words that look amazing...that mean something...i think im going to start doing my own...ive always found that cross over, the most difficult to bridge and navigate...i want to say something, but i don't know how, and when i do, no one ever can see what i meant to say...they make up their own interpretation...which is what art is...but i just...well maybe i will come back to it one day...and not mind so much that my message is lost in translation.
this speaks to me
a lot...

im going to the protest tomorrow. im thinking of making a banner today. 
im staying in galway tonight with either paddy or bronwyn. 
im charging my camera as i write this.
i hope i don't get hurt
but after listening to that woman on the radio yesterday...
i think
its something in my blood
ive grown up as 'on the fringe' as i can, without even realizing it
when your a baby you don't realize these things...
but its in my blood
im a revolutionary...
mam and dad have made sure of that.

but they are waning now...even mum this morning was like
i should really be going with you
but what good will it do?

they are jaded and understandably so
they have seen it and done it
they are so involved with everything, that when shit goes down, they are the first to know
and i think they are just tired
tired of everything
their like old dogs that want to play fetch
but just cant get up the strength to move

im young
and angry
i will be pounding the streets like im pounding these keys
im sick of sitting and watching
i need to be in the thick of it
i have to feel something
and if they break my legs
let them
and if i get pelted with bottles
so be it
and if the guards are pigs
ill get the pictures
and take videos
and put them up
and let them see

we need numbers
if everyone keeps thinking
what good will it do
they never listen
then thats what will happen

we need the numbers
we should be in the streets
the world needs to know that we are angry and we are ashamed of this country and the state that its in
im marching for all those that cant
people who have to work
mams who have little babies
the disabled
the homeless
people about to lose their house
people who CANT actually get to dublin for whatever reason
my brother
my mother
my father
all our family
im representing anyone that wants me to
and thats the way i see it
everyone who will be there
will be representing all those that cant be there

we have got to be heard
they have to see us in the streets
they have to see the young
the old
the well dressed
the poor
the scum
the artist
the hippy
the jock
the chav
the farmer
the teacher
the mother
the injured
the hurt 

they need to see us in our thousands

and even if it doesn't get anything done
and nothing changes
at least the world will see that we are not happy

and then maybe ill be able to sleep at night again.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Jane's Utopia

just waiting for my folks to get back…
i get so worried when i know that someone is driving…that is definitely the reason i have put off driving for so long…it scares me so much. im surrounded by it all the time…i know that it is a pretty necessary thing, especially for someone like me, who lives in the middle of nowhere…i need to overcome that little niggelly fear that I OR SOMEONE I KNOW WILL DIE IN A CAR ACCIDENT…
i have got to get the fuck over it
we are all going to die
that is inevitable
it shouldn't cripple me to the point that i wont get into a car…

so im waiting 
i speed cleaned the things that i know will tick them off a bit, like the dishes…everything else…clothes horse etc will just have to wait…just because they were on holiday doesn't mean i was going to keep their house like a museum until they got back…its not like its all that lovely and tidy when their around…its not that bad….

i just went through two amazing days.
yesterday, (which seems so long ago much has happened since...)
was eye opening...inspiring...hopeful...productive...encouraging...strengthening...but a bit frustrating...and sad and uncertain.

i just could not get myself together yesterday morning...i don't know what was wrong with me, was i just tired or what...but i couldn't rise myself at body would jut not work...
i eventually got up, had a shower, and tried to get some clothes together that looked half decent...but you know those days...mine are few and far between, thankfully, but i just cant get something together to just doesn't work...
so i eventually threw on some clothes, 

sorted the dogs out with treats and things, gave the cats their food in the shed...and made my merry way over to janes, on foot...for the do lovely things like sew and draw and drink i skipped down the road ^_^

just at about this point, that little white house is my cousin's...i saw this very strange cloud...and had to take a picture...the far left hand side is so round-y...i couldn't understand it at all...just creeping its way over the 'the nothing' in the never ending story...
i met stewie walking charlie back the road with the gun and i stopped for a second to talk to him...jane met me at the top of Corrick hill with her two doggies...thankfully mine (+cats) actually listened to me and stayed back at the house, or there would have been quite a commotion :)
I love meeting people half way. Me and Kiaya met, halfway between her's and mine on Tuesday, which was nice, because i hardly ever go for a walk in that direction...
the walk from the hill to jane's didn't seem to take any time at all...i don't even remember walking past monica's and bridie's...
when we got in we had coffee ^_^ (the only reason i go to jane's) JOKE!!! (but seriously, she makes a killer cuppa joe)
and then, when everything settled down, we sat in the window, me in the arm chair, she on the sette...and we just talked. for ages. and it was really nice

i think it is really important, although we sometimes forget to do it
we sometimes think, i think...that maybe someone doesn't want to hear from us
or maybe we don't mean as much to someone, as we actually do

i forget to talk all the time
im . so . used . to . listening 
it is so hard for me, to insist that the person i am listening to shuts up for a second, and listens to me
i just don't think

i guess i don't think i have anything worth saying
or maybe that no one wants to hear it

i suppose
id like someone to ask me
'how are you'
'what do you think'

i don't like initiating things...
and i suppose i feel that if someone wanted to know how i was or what i thought, enough, they would ask

i don't think very highly of myself
i used to think nothing of myself
im getting better least im aware that i do it now...
but im still not great

i don't really think that im all that important to anyone...i know that that is silly
but its something that ive always thought
even when i was very small

im surprised that i didn't get THAT as my first tattoo...

you are nothing
you mean nothing
your invisible
no one cares

i know that people do care
and that im not invisible (although ive been plowed into by enough people on shop street to wonder if that is in fact true)
and i know that i mean something, to some people

but because i don't FEEL it myself
i cant believe...or it takes me a long time to believe, that anyone else could actually like me
because i don't like myself

i have to start to get to know myself
i have to start liking me
i cant keep this up of, not liking myself


so me and jane talked a lot
about a lot of things...
i think there was quite a grey area that wasn't being touched for a long time (my doing) and now that that grey area is opened, i feel a lot closer to her. i know that i can talk to her about things, and that she listens because i mean a lot to her and she cares about me
and thats nice to know

after our long chat, jane made me scrum-diddly-umptious lunch...which was so morish i did not want it to end...noodles, with feta, tomatoes, olives, celery, garlic and an egg through was so so mouth is watering looking at it... and

grape juice, in a glass mug...spoiled isn't even the word for it :) i am so taken care of when i am surprised they manage to get me out the door and off home at all :D

then after our lovely feast, we went upstairs to do some work, i knuckled down, and made some red arm warmers (arm warmers being possibly my favorite things in the entire world) being my least favorite...but i think i did well, and i hope they find a nice home, like moonchild did ^_^

and when those were done jane showed me this...which really inspired me...lots...

then we had some afternoon tea...because "sewing is just an excuse for talking"...and talking sewing...does make one quite hungry...

the girly-whirleys came home, courtesy of Jane's chariot...meabh is first, then Roisin and Bee...Meabh is a sweet heart, she had her friend over after school and they were in Meabhs room playing the whole time till dinner...
Roisin came upstairs and talked to me for a bit. Roisin has grown up so much. She makes me feel SO old. Because i used to babysit them all...ive watched them grow up over the last 5/6 years or i mean she's 17 now...i met her first when she was 11/12? when she still had strawberry blonde curly hair...all smiley and like a little girl...its so strange that she's all grown up. she's really sound, and great craic. we get on really still mentally 16/ we are on the same wavelength...but so are me and jane....

i think
i can adjust my frequency according to who i am around
is that possible
or is that insane...
ive been asking that question of myself a lot recently
"is that actually a good idea, or is your sanity slipping"
"is that intuition or is that a whim that means nothing"
"are you sane or are you crazy...?"

but yes...where was i?
yeh, me and roisin get on
and me and bee get on
and me and meabh.
which is really good

i hope they think im cool
how sad am i
but i would like
at least one person in this world
to think that im cool
just one

is that so much to ask? :)

i always feel so welcomed in jane's house
i just feel instantly at home
i don't feel like they are 'put out' by me
i just go with their flow
do what they do
eat and drink when they eat and drink
sleep when they sleep

i love friends like that
ones that make you a piece of furniture in their life
that they feel so comfortable with you in the house, they don't feel like they need to mind you...
or fuss over you

its nice to be 
just be
and not feel awkward or in the way

i really love them
they all mean so much to me


Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Tuesday, November 23, 2010


I made a wish on a star tonight.

I do that from time to time.

I say that rhyme...

"Star light
Star Bright
First star I see tonight...
I wish I may
I wish I might
Have the wish
I wish tonight"

And then I think the wish,

Because if you say it,

Or tell anyone,

It won't come true...

I don't think it will come true.

My wishes never come true.

i want to do pretty things with meaningful words

dream houses

Eye Candy

i want these...more then words can say...

0 . 0

small words


What I actually did today....

got dressed

made and ate grub

did laundry

tidied my desktop to make hearts

took the dogs for a walk

and now im going to make another tea cozy...
think the prototype worked ok...even if i did get bored
of the pattern halfway through and basically winged it

im so bold


Plans for today

get dressed

get some grub

do my laundry

tidy my room

make my desktop go from this...

to this...

take the dogs and cats for a walk...

draw something....