Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Sitting here, listening to the sudden downpour of rain outside...
Sounds like the ocean is crashing up against my window.
If I was swaying a little, I could convince myself that I am at sea.
Maybe I did a little.

Sometimes, I can be quite spontaneous.
It doesn't happen often, and a lot of people don't see that side of me.
Some never do.
And when it does rear its head, I suppose it could be confused with madness, in the most conventional sense of the word.
Before I knew really what I was at, I had left the warm cocoon of my room, and grabbed a towel out of the bathroom, making my way for the back door...letting my cardigan drop off me along the way, and hopping, one footed to remove my shoes.

Then, the lock turned, and I was standing outside, underwater but not drowning. 
The sound of the water lured me out. The crashing of waves against the double paned glass. 
The constant beating and the wind.

And I stood for about 5 minutes...its 1:40 am and very cold out there...Im spontaneous, but I don't want to come down with the flu tomorrow either...I may be mad, but Im practical...
And I let the rain roll down my face, and dampen my lovely spring dress, and wet all the layers through so that the cold water chilled me to my bones, and my hair was wet. The wind sent shivers up and down me.
But it was very cleansing.

Sometimes you need to do something out of the ordinary in order to snap you back into reality.
Sometimes its very difficult to see the wood from the trees

And letting the rain wash all that away, to be you, the rain, the wind, the dark, the night.
The force of nature, so much bigger and stronger then me...then everything else...well, it puts you back into place again doesn't it?
Sort of makes you get a hold of yourself.

Its like when someone is hysterical, crying on the silver screen, and then another actor slaps them across the face. They always take it. Its just that quick, short, slightly painful !snap! that puts them back into their bodies, and makes them human again.

I haven't stood out in the cold rain, in a long time...Im always running away from it, like a little field mouse, running to the next bit of dry shelter.
Im going to start taking things back. I think it's time.
I know it is.

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