Jane's Utopia

just waiting for my folks to get back…

i get so worried when i know that someone is driving…that is definitely the reason i have put off driving for so long…it scares me so much. im surrounded by it all the time…i know that it is a pretty necessary thing, especially for someone like me, who lives in the middle of nowhere…i need to overcome that little niggelly fear that I OR SOMEONE I KNOW WILL DIE IN A CAR ACCIDENT…

i have got to get the fuck over it

we are all going to die

that is inevitable

it shouldn't cripple me to the point that i wont get into a car…

so im waiting 

i speed cleaned the things that i know will tick them off a bit, like the dishes…everything else…clothes horse etc will just have to wait…just because they were on holiday doesn't mean i was going to keep their house like a museum until they got back…its not like its all that lovely and tidy when their around…its not that bad….

i just went through two amazing days.

yesterday, (which seems so long ago now...so much has happened since...)

was eye opening...inspiring...hopeful...productive...encouraging...strengthening...but a bit frustrating...and sad and uncertain.

i just could not get myself together yesterday morning...i don't know what was wrong with me, was i just tired or what...but i couldn't rise myself at all...my body would jut not work...

i eventually got up, had a shower, and tried to get some clothes together that looked half decent...but you know those days...mine are few and far between, thankfully, but i just cant get something together to wear...it just doesn't work...

so i eventually threw on some clothes, 

sorted the dogs out with treats and things, gave the cats their food in the shed...and made my merry way over to janes, on foot...for the day...to do lovely things like sew and draw and drink tea.....off i skipped down the road ^_^

just at about this point, that little white house is my cousin's...i saw this very strange cloud...and had to take a picture...the far left hand side is so round-y...i couldn't understand it at all...just creeping its way over the town...like 'the nothing' in the never ending story...

i met stewie walking charlie back the road with the gun and i stopped for a second to talk to him...jane met me at the top of Corrick hill with her two doggies...thankfully mine (+cats) actually listened to me and stayed back at the house, or there would have been quite a commotion :)

I love meeting people half way. Me and Kiaya met, halfway between her's and mine on Tuesday, which was nice, because i hardly ever go for a walk in that direction...

the walk from the hill to jane's didn't seem to take any time at all...i don't even remember walking past monica's and bridie's...

when we got in we had coffee ^_^ (the only reason i go to jane's) JOKE!!! (but seriously, she makes a killer cuppa joe)

and then, when everything settled down, we sat in the window, me in the arm chair, she on the sette...and we just talked. for ages. and it was really nice

i think it is really important, although we sometimes forget to do it

we sometimes think, i think...that maybe someone doesn't want to hear from us

or maybe we don't mean as much to someone, as we actually do

i forget to talk all the time

im . so . used . to . listening 

it is so hard for me, to insist that the person i am listening to shuts up for a second, and listens to me

i just don't think

i guess i don't think i have anything worth saying

or maybe that no one wants to hear it

i suppose

id like someone to ask me

'how are you'

or

'what do you think'

i don't like initiating things...

and i suppose i feel that if someone wanted to know how i was or what i thought, enough, they would ask

i don't think very highly of myself

i used to think nothing of myself

im getting better tho...at least im aware that i do it now...

but im still not great

i don't really think that im all that important to anyone...i know that that is silly

but its something that ive always thought

even when i was very small

im surprised that i didn't get THAT as my first tattoo...

you are nothing

you mean nothing

your invisible

no one cares

i know that people do care

and that im not invisible (although ive been plowed into by enough people on shop street to wonder if that is in fact true)

and i know that i mean something, to some people

but because i don't FEEL it myself

i cant believe...or it takes me a long time to believe, that anyone else could actually like me

because i don't like myself

i have to start to get to know myself

i have to start liking me

i cant keep this up of, not liking myself

...

anyway,

so me and jane talked a lot

about a lot of things...

i think there was quite a grey area that wasn't being touched for a long time (my doing) and now that that grey area is opened, i feel a lot closer to her. i know that i can talk to her about things, and that she listens because i mean a lot to her and she cares about me

and thats nice to know

^_^

after our long chat, jane made me scrum-diddly-umptious lunch...which was so morish i did not want it to end...noodles, with feta, tomatoes, olives, celery, garlic and an egg through it...it was so so good...my mouth is watering looking at it... and

grape juice, in a glass mug...spoiled isn't even the word for it :) i am so taken care of when i am there...im surprised they manage to get me out the door and off home at all :D

then after our lovely feast, we went upstairs to do some work, i knuckled down, and made some red arm warmers (arm warmers being possibly my favorite things in the entire world) ...red being my least favorite...but i think i did well, and i hope they find a nice home, like moonchild did ^_^

and when those were done jane showed me this...which really inspired me...lots...

then we had some afternoon tea...because "sewing is just an excuse for talking"...and talking sewing...does make one quite hungry...

the girly-whirleys came home, courtesy of Jane's chariot...meabh is first, then Roisin and Bee...Meabh is a sweet heart, she had her friend over after school and they were in Meabhs room playing the whole time till dinner...

Roisin came upstairs and talked to me for a bit. Roisin has grown up so much. She makes me feel SO old. Because i used to babysit them all...ive watched them grow up over the last 5/6 years or so...so i mean she's 17 now...i met her first when she was 11/12? when she still had strawberry blonde curly hair...all smiley and like a little girl...its so strange that she's all grown up. she's really sound, and great craic. we get on really well...im still mentally 16/18...so we are on the same wavelength...but so are me and jane....

i think

i can adjust my frequency according to who i am around

is that possible

or is that insane...

ive been asking that question of myself a lot recently

"is that actually a good idea, or is your sanity slipping"

"is that intuition or is that a whim that means nothing"

"are you sane or are you crazy...?"

but yes...where was i?

Roisin...

yeh, me and roisin get on

and me and bee get on

and me and meabh.

which is really good

i hope they think im cool

how sad am i

but i would like

at least one person in this world

to think that im cool

just one

is that so much to ask? :)

i always feel so welcomed in jane's house

i just feel instantly at home

i don't feel like they are 'put out' by me

i just go with their flow

do what they do

eat and drink when they eat and drink

sleep when they sleep

i love friends like that

ones that make you a piece of furniture in their life

that they feel so comfortable with you in the house, they don't feel like they need to mind you...

or fuss over you

its nice to be 

just be

and not feel awkward or in the way

i really love them

they all mean so much to me

xXx