Thursday, January 20, 2011

I was the one worth leaving

I have just held my breath for 4 minutes and 10 seconds...that must be some sort of record.
And I am now realizing that no one will comprehend the paramount of this post
But I will try and write it in the plainest and least complicated terms.

When I was living in my one room bedsit, in Salthill, during my portfolio preparation course.
In a house that was overlooking the sea, which seemed to have only tenants who were either illegal, or...naive...
The radio was my one friend, and comfort.
I used to listen to it religiously while I drew...and cooked and wrote...but mostly drew.
And after The Blast, which was Ray Foley's 10 o'clock slot, THAT is how far back we are talking
There was another show, which started at 12, called the small hours...
Now, rarely did I listen to the full program, but usually, without fail, I would at least listen to the opening half hour, which contained a short montage...and audio collage, which is still used now, which opens each program...and wedged in the middle of this mix of music, each piece lovelier then the last, was a short clip saying "Where I am"

That one little bit of the song has absolutely HAUNTED ME...
I txt into the show, I think I even emailed them at one point, asking who that bit of the song was response...
I gave up.

Then a few months back, me and the boy were in that new vintage shop in Galway, and that song was just finishing as we walked in...I rushed to the counter and asked the girl WHO DOES THIS SONG!!!!
she must have thought I was deranged...I don't even know if I said hi or anything to her
She was like..."eh...I have no idea..."
Gutted...I cursed God and wondered why he was withholding this vital information from me...
Again, I gave up., the 21st of January...2011 (which is turning out to be an EPIC year) I get what I have been waiting for for 5 LONG years...

In an email, from a friend that I had totally lost contact with, who I went to GTI with, she sent me a link to her video reel, with work she did from college, so I could see what she had gotten up to...
And guess what?
She used that song as the background music

can you imagine my face...?
hearing the song in its entirety
for the first time?

so i put the main words for the chorus into google search
and what pops up

I actually nearly exploded, turned inside out with joy, cried and screamed all at the same time
even now my head is pounding and swimming at the same time, with a mixture of dizziness, and shock

You see
Its come full circle...
A song that I associate so much with that time in my life, when I was living away from home, on my own, for the first time...Being on my own...And someone from that period of my life, has randomly reappeared, bringing with them THAT SONG...

Its almost too much for my little heart to bare.

And now that Ive heard it...all of it
I don't care what the song actually means...I don't even know if at this moment in time, I can actually take in the lyrics properly. It means so much more then that to me.
It encapsulates so many memories and feelings that, not in a million years, could I ever tie down with words.

My heart is totally light.
Its like saying The end...
Its happy, but at the same time, its sad.
I finally know, so I don't have to search anymore.

Songs are so powerful. And they can stay with us, long after we have forgotten the words...And the words can stay with us, long after we've forgotten the tune.
Mum has been listening to tapes that nana (her mum) made for her, of her singing, after mum moved to America.
Mum's been searching them to find the songs, that Nana wrote herself.
I heard one of them today...but it was mum singing it.

She was standing at the range, singing it off from a notepad she had just written it down onto.
She started by saying "imagine a time when there were no mobile phones, there was no skype...and you left home and the only way you could contact anyone was by post..."
And then mum started to sing...
And really...nana was amazing. She was. There was such a story to the song...and it was mums first time singing it, she had only just heard it for the first time in prolie about 20 years or so...and as I listened...I just imagined the way nana is now, and how she was then...watching her children go off, one by far off places (england was as foreign to them, as the moon is to us now)...and the worry...and the sadness...and everything...
And I know that mum was thinking the same

Because I we stood in the kitchen this morning, her singing to me, and me listening...There was a moment, when her voice faltered, and when I looked up, there were tears in her eyes.
I can prolie count the times Ive seen my mother cry, on one hand. But when I see her cry, even when her eyes are threatening, mine well up, and spill over, before you can say bobs your uncle.
Music is such a powerful thing
It makes us feel things that we push away,
It tells us stories of times that we have trouble imagining
And we can walk in the shoes of someone we may never have had the privilage of meeting

And that song gave mum such an insight into her own mother. I don't think nana unloaded her personal burdens onto her children...but all of what she was feeling, she made into songs...and what a gift she had.

And thank goodness she did

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